CMMi Training - (My) Agenda

This was a two days training which earned a lot of my curse as it arrogantly intruded into my private weekends without permission.

The agenda of the training (which is a curtain raiser before we implement CMM in our company) is as follows:

• 9 AM - 9 15 AM - Intro by the KPMG trainer
• 9-15 AM - 10 AM - Introduction to CMM Levels
• 10 AM - 10:03 AM - A raincheck on the dressing sense of participants (especially on the disappointing sense of fashion of select few)
• 10-03 AM - 10-20 AM - Interactive session with KPMG trainer on SEPG (Software Engineering Practice Group) and their role in internal audits
• 10-20 AM to 10-30 AM - A quick mental replay of NDTV Health snippet on Back Ache and ergonomics
• 10-30 AM - 10-45 AM - Tea break
• 10-45 AM to 10-50 AM- An anatomical comparision of the unfamiliar techlead in the CMMi training session with ex-girl friend
• 10-50 AM - 11 AM - Practice Areas under CMM Level 2 and Level 3
• 11 AM to 11-01 AM - A cursory check on how people look figuratively when looked from back, with oiled heads exposed well in tubelight illumination
• 11-01AM to 11-15 AM - The difference between CMM Level 2 and Level 3 expectations in terms of setting and adhering to practice area tasks
• 11-15 AM to 11-30 AM - Where IPPD would be applicable and how different it is from SE /SW
• 11-30 AM to 11-40 AM - A self introspection on failed relationships
• 11-40 AM to 11-45 AM - Subjective and Biased evaluation of questions asked by irritating colleagues
• 11-45 AM - 11-50 AM - Unwanted, Unplanned yet executed bio-break
• 11-50 AM - 12 Noon - Clueless observation of intellectually arrogant hara-kiri between senior management and the trainer on whether principles of XP can be fitted without omissions into CMM template
• 12-00 Noon - 12-02 - A casual analysis of why his butt is so protruding
• 12-02 PM to 12-03 - A silent sigh of dismay thinking about Kaavya Viswanathan for her dubious endeavour with "How Opal Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life"
• 12-04-12-07 PM - Role of SEPG in defining process routines specific to our company
• 12-07 PM - 12-30 PM - Tailoring guidelines for CMM Level 3
• 12- 30 PM - 12-35 PM - Explosive orientation of dark, underground unionistic tendencies to coerce and collect participants' voice for lunch break
• 12- 35 PM - 12-39 PM - Countless recounts of number of lines in a slide and a mental calculation of time taken for each line by the trainer and multiplication with the number of lines to arrive at the 90% confidence limits for when the lunch break would be!
• 12-40 PM - An attempt to restrict physical movements to synchronize eye contact with a female colleague to make it look like a natural courtesy question, when I would ask her for lunch

I am not sure if anyone would be so honest about their value intakes in such highly important initiatives where the company ends up paying through their larynx and alveoli.But aren't all meetings having similiar agendas at least for the participants?

Then why bother giving us a print out of the training booklet with the first page being agenda? We already know it..LOL

This post is my tribute to those who have lost countless weekends in the name of training for the middle management (a.k.a suckers who have to do the grunt work of implemetation, when the boss can happily read about Preity Zinta's outfit in Cannes film festival and more to my irk, write comments for that article!)

Whats the plan?

What is the plan?What the hell is a plan?

Its not the corporate goobledgook am talking here.Friday evenings and late evenings, around your cubicles you would suddenly start seeing activity index soaring (sorry...i am a stock market buff...........I willfully inserted this, just in case a lady reader contemplates long term).

Well coming back to the point - These PLANNERS or HAPPENERS just whiz around lobbies and blocks busily for something that would put an event manager to shame.God save if u dont participate in this event planning event..AM talking about the weekly ritual call "Weekend Outing"...People who know you well or people who desperately wanna talk to you, just come by to ask "Whassup for saturday buddy" or versions of it like, "Whats the plan for tomorrow", "Whats the PoA for tomorrow"

BTW the C-Levels or C-wannabes use PoA - Thats Plan of Action...They even have a PoA to booze..Gosh..Give us a break...

Lets now see why am so bugged at this 'Whats the plan nonsense"

Firstly am peaceful with life. I dont have to let my hair down to feel peaceful. Even if i want to my hair always is curly and spiky.It gives me more tension to look groomed than to be a spiko and stay at home..So get it please..Am peaceful..Thanks..No Thanks for your invites

Secondly, I mean what the hell? Should you always plan your weekend..Why cant life be simple ya? What should you get nervous breakdown if you dont go out a saturday? I am at peace watching amitabh bachchan or sun news or even sun music at the comfort of my home.

Thirdly the ritual of deciding where to go really gets me wild. We discuss

• Satyam theater ( any one with an ounce of brain can say you have to PLAN AHEAD to get tickets on a saturday night)
• Restaurant (they always think savera, residency..poor me..i can cook sambar at home for 1/100 of the cost and release version 2.0, v 3.0 for the next two days)
• Pubs (Here you go)
  I am wild coz after all permutations you end up choosing pubs and then why waste my cellphone bills for co-ordination calls? (Its a related matter that these PLANNERS run out of money every thursday evening..oh did i miss to add, mysteriously?)

Pubs - Silly !

If you think smoking gives you peace and passive smoking gives nirvana..am sorry..your father must be a dork to have created you

If bloddy marie and pinacolada are good ways to sip over with friends....guys you dont have a rat's brain..your drink does not cost 350 bucks..its actually 2350 bucks including service charges (Levied by dutiful police men)

Ah..moreover it smells like..aargh..dont ask me to say

Crowd - You said crowd? Crr-oowd? Ah hha haa...All see you see is some irish looking chics and revlon model wanna bes there, amply protected and served by saif ali khan's cousin types..So if you ever say.."Lets check out the crowd", you are a bloody public oogling incapable loser.If everyone comes to check out the crowd, who the hell is the crowd man? Tell me Tell me!

Side dishes and Orange Juice Mocktails - Pain and agony are the words. Half cooked potatos ...who needs potato wedges for 300 Rs..I need urlakezhangu kaara curry (spicy potato curry)..Can a pub give.. God htat tropicana orange juice sold as orangy tango drink..hehe..liar liar your pub should go down on fire

Social networking - Oh no..let me have a laughter break..in that loud music that gives competition to a constipated yell,you are going to network?

After all these guys (well also girls) ask me why i dont drink or why I look outta place in a pub..

Simple - I can buy tropicana for 20 bucks, watch Ftv or even surya tv if am desperate about crowd (they show everything which a pub cant), I can breathe good air at home and moreover make better potato curry and sambar..

If none of them give me peace, i just sleep or go to beach

Guys get it to ur rodent brains..I plan for just one thing during weekend..that is when to shave..because if i plan well, i can avoid monday morning shaves and still look well shaven...

So the next time you ask me "Whats the plan"..
The answer is "Am gonna shave at 9 30 PM saturday night", after a south indian curd rice dinner and ananda vikatan...

Its a child's play

Tiny lil kid

She'll play with that sparkle balls

Till she sells them all

---------------------------------------------------------

Paal manam maara-ch chirumi
indha minu-minu pandhudan vilayadukiral
Elaa-p pandhum avalukke
avai vittru-p pogum mun.....

------

Inspired by the scene of a little girl selling sparkling elastic balls, getting engrossed to the pieces she sells...

The Lock

Every day every minute there are some who lock something. The rich lock their closets, the poor lock their self respect and the greedy lock conscience.

Somehow the act of locking makes us feel heavy. Every time I go past my neighbours' house in my village the iron locks that hang out at the doors , silently scare me with their ability to seal.

Boisterous and bratty kids, inquisitive teen, weary elders, busy housewives - They have all thrived over generations in these houses. Its as much about emotions, stories, betrayals and joy as it is about brick and roof.

Today they stand hostage to the demands that practicality places. The lock mercilessly crushes life into its levers.

In every lever that is turned on a lock, there are millions of emotions lying underneath -- quietly -- like those pebbles that lay with no protest on the river bed.

Like a lazy bachelor who leaves the clothes unwashed, we all leave our emotions behind our doors with guilt and helplessness, when we lock the doors.Like the emptiness that engulfs every locked house, my heart tends to get filled with emptiness when i stand near a locked door.

Is locking an end or is it the beginning of an unknown journey with a baggage of unattended emotions?

tamizh-o-pedia

First things first...I am not a tam extremist or a linguist...but a very passioate lover of one of the oldest languages in the world.. Tamizh.

Wondering what would happen to this language if all our tams start using this language as fillers between english. ALready a few words have vanished out of usage and I got to agree..sometimes when I start to think, what is the tamizh equivalent of a few commonly used english words...am stuck...

With fear of losing touch and with an intent to digitize a few words here for the rainy day, I am listing a few words.

Take a plunge and check how familiar you are with your mother tongue:

1. Vilavuthal

This means -- Adding appropriate quanity of cold water to hot water so as to make it okay for taking bath...(wow, one word for such a long snetence..isn't this amazing?)

2. Whats the tamil equivalent of "Busy"

mmm..ahh...oh its in the tip of my tongue?...its "paraparappu"or you can say "velai nimiththam"

3. Alolakalolapattathu or thimilogapatathu

Chaos or disorder

4. Idakaradakkal

Kundakamandakka or an argument that puts you on a trap..in a negative sense

5. Karrukkal

The time of evening before night

6. Tadhumam

Cold and cough

7. Thozhupputhal

Chew the food well enough before swallowing

8. Vekkai

Humidity

9. Khothapphudhal

Put something in the mouth, grind it and mix it with saliva and keep there for a while

10. Thaanthonni or Thaan Thonri

A person who thinks he knows it all and behaves like one

(Ok...Dont ever try to think about me at this moment)

A reebie for you patience:

Palaa kottai minnal

The lightening that comes in the sky in the evenings and that which does not result in rain

How many of these words did you know the meaning of?

Sad...none right?

Aren't you and me missing some wonderful treasures of the language...If you a tamizhan, I suggest try speaking in tamizh without any contamination of other languages.

It feels good...

Not decided (Will name this if something strikes before I finish this blog)

I had been little late in posting an update (Fever and all that)

Aah..Got a topic to write about. Went to this kalyan hospital to consult. The doc dint even keep that thermometer on my tongue (yeah the one that every damn guy sucks and the same one which is never washed)

Gave some medicines and all and nothing worked.

Went there the next day. Another doc was there. I somehow cant digest doctors (however young and all) wearing Jeans shirts and carrying fancy bags. Man, carry yourself with dignity at least when it comes to outward personality.There is a reason for the "at least" thingy.

The damn guy was talking to me about symptoms n all that...The nurse came in running and told about this old man who has consumed poison.

I kinda over reacted by standing and stepping aside, thinking this doc will run out and attend to this dying old man.

Our jean clad doctor says" What can we do. If people have to die drinking poison they have to. We cant do anything about it.

He signals me to sit and not worry about it.

For God's sake, its not another diversion to your work man...

Be Human...or at least pretend to be, till I go out...

Gokulaashtami

Thats when Lord Krishna was born.

I share a lot of similiarities with him...I do all mischief he did...but that I can play flute the way he can't....bad way :-)


For bachelors like me, it makes no difference, as long as "Hotel Sangeetha" provides same ol dinner on this day...

But the idea of ghee dripping appam, murukku, thenkozhal...ahh..who can miss them....Probably you should start calling this day gokulaash'tummy'.

I went home this day with the north indian chukka chapathi as ever. My new neighbours so kind and so 'sweet' (and kaaram) enough, to give me a plateful of namkeen and mithai (I freaking never use these kind of words...but popular request to aviod tamil and all that)

So I am like..go..(4)..kill...ash...yummy ;-)

Had four hybrid appams (It looked like cheedai but tasted like appam...may be cheepam is what it should be called?)..some thenkozhal and some ribbon kozhal

Gokillashyummieeeee....