Girl Dekho

If you are 20-something and have reasonably arrived in life, murphy's law starts working in its worst way expected. This is when GD happens.There are some tell-tale signs when this dubious underground activity called "Girl Dekho" is getting planned.

1. Your mom suddenly tells she is getting old and not as active as she used to be. (Notwithstanding her new craze for designer cut shoes which she picks up one pair each, every month when she visits you)
2. You are suddenly invited to all marriages and for some unknown reason your face is framed in the close circuit tv in the marriage hall (Though you would have innocently been thinking that you are naturally beuatiful and hence..)
3. Your not-so-favorite relatives will suddenly be interested in knowing about your job (Though after 1/2 hour of telling them you are into sales in a software company, they will still say "Payyan software le vela pakran")
4. Your dad who till now took a who-are-you stance at you, will start pestering you to buy a house
5. Your america (went for daughter's maternity) returned aunty will ask your height and photo (Next thing you know, your profile will be in bharatmatrimony.com)

So how to avoid "Girl Dekho"?

1. When you mom says she is getting old, give her a "oh-is-that-not-the-case-for-the-last 10 years" look. Never entertain a discussion.Never get sentimental. Its a ploy!
2. Never go to weddings. Even if you have to go bearded and if possible with mouth-ful of manikchand gutka. If you are a girl wear a very revealing ghagra choli and give a hug to the food contractor telling his sambhar was good!
3. When someone aunty asks for your photo, send the one where your hands are strategically placed around a not-so-conservative girl/guy. More the smoke in the frame, the better it is.
4. If inspite of all your efforts, some prospective oversmart dad-of a guy/girl comes to you and asks about your hobbies, just say - premarital sex!

If you are dumb and wonder why it is such a bad idea, sample a few here!

1. You may never get to do the "Girl Dekho" straight. If the girl has a bro, you may end up doing a "bro dekho", just so that he can assess how much of a hannibal you are before his thangachee can meet you.
2. If you are those unlucky types, "bro dekho" will be preceded/succedded by "Parivar Dekho". The girl's mom, mom's dog, dad, dad's uncle, his snuff box, snuff, grand father with overgrown nose hair, uncle with baggy and reebok shoes will all want to meet you.
3. You will have to shave in the middle of the work week
4. You might even be suggested to get a manicure/pedicure/facial done
5. You would have to get locked up in a room with a girl/guy who does not know what to say and where to start. When you finally initiate a conversation, her sister will door deliver "kesari" and "mundiri paruppu". However better it is to eat them, than to talk to the dork on the otherside of the cot, you somehow would feel that reverse metabolism is happening and your mouth feels like ass. It's a queasy feeling to get into a claustrophobia-meets-xenophobia situation.
6. You might have to encounter silly salutations like "maplai saar" which you never craved to earn ever!
7. You would be expected to smile at a kid and say "cute", which you would have held upside down on your balcony, for a brat it is.

So "GIrl Dekho" is all about being out of yourself, playing to the audience and often requiring to suond absolutely in control and perfectly logical person when saying "Hi, oh you are shanthi".."Nice meeting you...Chal let's get married"

Moment - The guy's love interest on a girl was exposed

It’s an over-smart world!

I am thrilled and nervous at the same time! Life has become simple and complicated. There is abundance of choice and limitation of time. I am thankful to have born when the world decided to eject out of the decidedly slow past, but scared that my future generation would not be able to cope up with the escape velocity.

Did you ever think countries will be trading carbon surplus in lieu of economic benefits? In our language it means “I burn less and pollute less. So let me trade my surplus with a country that burns more, in return for other economic benefits”. Smart solution to a practical problem or stupid answer to a fundamental flaw?

First there were simple pollution masks and now in my own adyar there are oxygen parlors! Will my kid sport a tiny pollution filter as its first gadget? Will some smart company sell me fragrance over the internet, which I can use to recharge my kid’s pollution filter, so that the kid breathes aromatic air? If it happens will you call it the affordability of technology or suffocating abundance of options?

If you think the above mentioned thought is science fiction, sorry you are out-dated. Check for “Fragrance cartridges” in google. There is a way to send fragrance over the internet.

My cell phone can understand who is calling and tell a customized response to them through SMS without me having to decide what to say. It can recognize voice, capture movements and ships them all to my blog with just two button pushes. Now I cannot live without it. I communicate more than the cave man did. Now I communicate even more than my earlier generation does. Everyone’s having a story to share, as it happens, when it happens.

There is smarts everywhere. There is choice. There is money. There is a craving. The smarts find answers to this craving and the craves have the money to pay for the smarts. It a vicious cycle of ecstasy that breeds dependence and complexity.

I think somewhere the secret passage to a new world had opened and we are marching fast towards the comforts and pains it can provide. What you might read blow would be downright bizarre but will certainly happen within the next 10 years!

My TV will soon understand who I am and show me a list of programs I can watch – drawing from my browsing patterns, mobile phone usage, channel surfing patterns and even my mood. I will not need a remote very soon. My hand movements or simple nods would be enough. Soon it will go outdated and my pollution filter fit to my nose will sense the breathing patterns and decide if I am angry, romantic or scared and accordingly play American pie or Ring or Gladiator.

My cable company will tell my mobile phone vendor and the game company that am watching gladiator. I will get a video call from some simulated babe who will talk in my language, asking whether I would like to download a free version of the new gladiator game. The game company by now would have sent the same free version to my gmail.

As I watch the movie, my TV will show that I have a new game on my PC and if I want to compare a chapter of the movie with the game and show the relevant portion of the game, so that I can play that portion of the game.

My couch will soon realize that am sitting in the same posture for 30 minutes and start massaging my butt. If I had paid an additional 500 bucks to the furniture store, he would have fitted a small Bluetooth device, which will communicate with my mobile phone and send an sms to ‘Sanjeevanam’ that am doing a home massage. They would send back a message to my TV if I want a relay on how to stay healthy and if I want “Raja Keeyam” food for lunch.

My western closet would have got a communication from the same couch that I may need a warm water massage and the next time I shit, it would spray warm water to clean, than the normal water!

Roughly three hours after my visit to the loo, my fridge will ask me by sms or mail or tv message whether I need some juice. Perhaps my BMI would have been monitored in some perfectly logical way.

The world has cracked the rhythm of inventing. One thing leads to other and we always know what next and how to go there. As the game gets exciting, there is always an end. Even today am frustrated and feel suffocated about how much people know about me, how they guess where I am, how they know when to reach me and how easy it is to be aware of me. How much our lives have become like “Truman Show”!

When my kid grows up s/he will not have the option to opt out. I have now and I’m not exercising it yet as I am not bored of the excitement of this escape velocity travel. But when its boring to my kids, they simply can not come out, because the simpler world is ceasing to exist in front of our eyes!

Alternate Professions for Team India

With such a scintillating performance against Bangladesh, Team India might well not return to India. Even if they manage to do so, through the underground gas pipeline through Iran, they might still not find their jobs as cricketers. We thought we would provide them rehabilitation advices and who knows, some of them might even consider these seriously!

Sachin Tendulkar - He is the most versatile (er?) player. In the mornings he can lift the MRF tire and keeping rotating like the MRF Man and in the evenings he can charge himself with tiger biscuits. In between he can try an audition for Mowgli of Jungle Book.

Virendra Sehwag - Oh he already has a full-time job ready. The number of andae he has laid, it would take time for him to collect them all.

Rahul Dravid - When the team comes back to India, he can stand in front of the mob and utter absolutely believable statements like "Boys tried their best". Even if someone throws an empty pepsi bottle, it wont hurt much. After all, he's the wall!

Dhoni - They are searching for a new kid for our "aarogya naalarai paal" and Dhoni has no other job anyway.He can also launch his own hair saloon and upsell mysor sandol there.

Yuvraj Singh - He is such a marvellous fielder and has enthralled us wih his dives. The dolphin show in ECR has not been doing well at all and we will literally jump a this job!

Agarkar - He just lacks consistency and line. We would recommend him to work with PWD or Telephones department. His lack of skill suits here very well. He can start the trench anywhere and end it anywhere. We will figure out how to drive, inspite of all this.

Harbhajan Singh - We suggest he opens a restaurant next to Cozee in besant nagar and sells 'Doosra'..err..."Dosa"

Sreesanth - We heard this dude sings well. Being a mellu and hinduu, our dude has a bright future with Ayyappa devotional songs.

Ganguly - Our man has a way with stripping. So how about a pole dancer in a strip club?

Zaheer Khan and Munaf Patel - Oh opening bowlers? Know swing? Fast? I think I will retire my car and these two can carry me through the traffic. Fast and easy to manuveur.

Mandira Bedi - She can make noodles from her noodle strap blouses!!

Should I not hope?

I'm not the Mother Teresa type. My idea of helping the society is capitalistic. In India, there are more people who need jobs than there are. India needs more people who can provide jobs.

The best way to serve the needy is to equip them to be self sufficient, to be ready for tomorrow and to make their lives sustainable beyond a generation. We are educated. We are equipped. We are smart & capable. If 1 in 10 of us become entrepreneurs, the ripple effect will generate livelihood and sustenance for generations that we won't live to see. That's transformation.

It's for this reason I dont resort to any kind of charity - feeding beggars, sponsoring food or providing medical help. I instead work and equip myself, so that one day I can create jobs. For this same reason, I do come forward to helping students with fees once in a while. I derive immense pleasure in teaching and mentoring. But am appalled at the lack of accountability of the receivers of acts of charity.

Money that isn't theirs, money that comes with no toil and help that comes without a rider, though born out of deep desire to transform is often wasted and misused.

I learnt a hard lesson this week. I had a vegetable seller at my door at 6 15 am in the morning. He was in tears and woke me up to say that he needs to pay exam fees of 615 Rs. I don't know him. But not believing him would have costed him his studies. So I gave him a cheque, without asking for any proof.

The boy came back yesterday, saying inspite of giving the fee he could not attend the exams becuase he has the term fees not yet paid. He needed 1115 Rs. Then again my loss if he was unreal will be lesser than his loss if he was true and I din't pay him. So I wrote another cheque. But he did say that he has got the money from a charitable trust and the money would reach him in the evening and he would return the money back to me the same evening. I was ready to gather help for him to continue his help.

The guy has not called me since then. He has not returned the money, nor has he come to say that he has not got the money from the trust and hence using my money. Where's accountability?

I have lost a bit of money, but lot of hope! It's just hard to find deserving people who are accountable also. I could have done well to go with him to his college or ask him to bring some elders with him or so many other things, than give in to false sense of fulfillment.

More than a loss, its my lack of insistence on accountability which has mde me sit up and think!

Watch where you put your charity and better, make the receiver know you mean business even when it is charity!

Grind and Swing

This weekend has been the busiest ever!

It started with a marathon run of 3 kms up and down a bridge, with two bags weighing 10 kgs, in the choc-o-block traffic to catch my train. I was going to Bangalore.

The saturday started with work and ended late into the night with work. It was a non-stop grind from 10 AM to 12 Midnight working with excel, intense discussions and lot of figuring out interrupted only for dining.

I had to go through quiet a bit of mood swings as the model was getting built. With absolute disbelief in the possibility of the model to a high of having discovered (possibly) the next big thing in the internet. As we played with numbers, we were seeing the possibility of making just 2 lakhs per month as revenue to 55 lakhs per month.

The grind continues today and as they say, hope all that's well ends well..

La Affaire Daddy

"Vechchu Vei..Paakalam"

I have heard this term a little more than a few crore times from my dad that I have grown a phobia towards it.

God made things in this world with a purpose. Who are we to destroy them? Noble thought! But come to my home in tirunelveli and you would realize that its perhaps not too profound an idea to practice!

Some people write diaries. My dad just collects it. Some have a fascination for calendars..the pireeli..swimsuit type...some collect "saami" calendars....My dad has 2 in 1987..10 in 1989...50 from 1991 and so on. He is also an ardent devotee of all Gods. These dieties first occupied the "saami alamaar". Then "moved" by the pious devotee's "bhakthi" they descended and moved to whichever place in the house they can - "omnipresent" in kitchen, fridge, tv, bureau and damn even the toilet sometimes...just in case if a cockroach decides to be a tenant of our anal passage...it will get scared seeing the poster of GOD Almighty "sorigified" in the door joints of the loo.

Every useless thing has a utlity value for my dad. So he does a "Vechchu vei paakalam" for everthing. Even his new VIP undy sticker is a good decorative element and has a place in the fan regulator.Then there is a flimsy jigu jigu wall hanging made of cheap plastic paper which is a sorry choice for a ceiling hanging (a la Chandlier lamps). It took me 7 long years to convince that we need to remove the package cover on it. It hung in my house for all those years neatly wrapped in a cover. For my dad, the cover was meant to prevent dust, even if it means the decorative (!) piece would never serve its purpose!

Oh then there are varities of seeds - Strawberry to Tulip flower... Kiwi to Pappaya..which will one day become a part of our orchard that we will never buy in a century. But so what? Even if the seeds are dried now, wouldnt some Professor in Arizona State University find a way to make life outta dried seeds and then, we can have all rows of kiwi, strawberry and tulip in our hot tropical tirunelveli. Heck..if al this cannot happen, Steven Spielberg's great grandson or some mission from mars will understand life in earth, by just looking at my house..They would even take these seeds to Mars and create new life..My dad is a visionary...and we are just shani..

As a kid I used to wear those black leather shoes from Bata. They are durable. In our house where useless stuff last for 50 years, you can imagine how long "durable" stuff will last.. I have all my school shoes and yeah, the dried cherry shoe polishes. So what if they are dried? We have kerosene in 10 bottles to liquidate the polish. When my son studies in DAV, I can fool him about the value of antiques and give him the same shoes sparkling shiny with my 30 year old cherry shoe polishes. You thought my dad is compulsive rubbish collector? No he just beats inflation across decades, which P.Chidambaram and Manmohan Singh cannot do!

And by the way, did you miss the part about Kerosene. We never knew why we needed it when we having cooking gas and microave owen. But now that we discovered the shoes and shoe polishes, there is perhaps a use for the kerosene. But I agree that 10 bottles would be an overkill. But who knows? With all the nuts, bolts, ball bearings, chain sprockets that my dad has collected, I can build my own Bullet bike and this kerosene will then have two uses. One, to lubricate and two, to run the bike!

My Dad is a craftsman too. Can you collect 1000's of nutirene coffebit and orange toffy wrappers, skillfully knit them to create tiny baby dolls with frocks? My dad can.. I feel helpless that this skill just dint find a better stage than our TV shelf, windows and his own bureau.

My dad also is a great socialite. He "hangs" out with sangar, subramanian, natrajan saar, segar - all wasted souls of my dad's office, for whom the only perfume is the "agarbathi" they kolithify everyday at home. But should that stop my dad from buying every new deo in the market (no matter if it sternly reads "Ramasamy - This is for women and not for you")? I love him and all that. But I kinda dont like him when he offers me one of his "scentu bottils" which read "Now unleash your feminine freedom". He doesn't like me refusing either! Ultimately these bottles end up in a massive plastic tray in our "so called" dressing room. He has all colors of bottles. All fragrances. Damn! I started hating perfumes becuase of his penchant for wierd smelling perfumes (including the famous "marikozhunthu" scent thats famously sold in city buses)

Did I say he also collects "Ball point pens" and "Fountain Pens"? The ones that have four refills in one (Red, Blue, Black and Brown), the Reynolds, the Hero Pens, The fully transparent fountain pens, the golden color ballpoint pens, the pilot pens, assorted refill packs - he has them all. But just as you want to use one of them, you will have to wade through an ocean of melted ink, stinking like rotten brinjol and then pick up a refill. When you finish noting that phone number, you would realize that the ink has not just painted your gripping fingers, but also under the nails.

If I have a soap in the bathroom, I am saved. I can just wipe the ink and get off. As murphy's law goes, if shit should happen, it will always happen. Just as I call out for a soap, Dad will be there with 24 options - from a simple hamam to a medimix to lux (imported by my uncle from Dubai) to some sample soaps with no names (given by his office, when he "travelled" to "madras" in 1998)...Aaa aaaa aaaaaaa!

I know you are tired by the sheer breadth of passions my dad has! If you live to read, go on...there are some more!

My dad collects papers! I repeat, Papers - which include news papers, petrol bills, vibhudi and kunkumam potalams, assorted letters saying "Ramasamy, this is just to let you know that your ULIP deposit has increased from 2000 Rs to 2034 Rs through our wasted investments we made on your behalf". There are letters that say "Ramasamy, our thoppanar expired in matunga. Thasathu will happen on Sunday" - dated 23, April 1989. He also has a stack of stock certifications of companies like GV Films which dont exist today!

Mom has four cardboard boxes of these treasures and God being so kind, we continue to get these treasures in piles, overflowing our shelves and occupying every possible square inch of our house.

How can I miss the best Souvenir dad has got in his life - The Ganga Jal

Dad had gone on a pilgrimmage to Kasi a few years back and in my opinion (and his too), its a personal fete comparable to Alexandar conquering India. For a man who think twice before crossing tirunelveli, holding his flag high in Kasi is indeed a lifetime achievement! What best way to celebrate it than by getting lorry loads of small brass pots with "Gangei Jalam"

We havea full loft filled just with these brass pots with arrested water in them! I asked amma what Dad is planning to do with them

Amma said " Cheththu pona odane idha thaan odachu thalavazhiya kulipatanum". Humor under helpless situations is the best way to beat the feeling of helplessness, I learnt!