Why is media molesting me?

Looks like there is a "Molest India Movement" going on.

I search for the definition of "Molestation" in google (coz, till recently I thought it was some kind of a clinic where they remove excessive moles from the body and donate to people who dont have enough). So where does the search lead to? http://www.molestation.in/

Anyway..the indian origin of this website apart, what caught my attention is, the definition of "molestation". Apparently its not a mole bank as I thought.

Molestation is the sexual exploitation of a child or a woman by an adult for sexual gratification or for profit.

My sympathies are with the Ruchika family and kudos to them for continuing their pursuit of justice. But why me?

I end up waking in the middle of the night feeling that Burka Dutt is putting her friendly arms around my shoulder to console me for the whole state of affairs my nation is going through. I dont even know whether to tap my wife's easily reachable side to ask for some water. Though we are legally married and there's no sexual intent, women seem to be hyper-hot about men in general and rathore in particular.

An "activist" appears in TV today and says "Men's lower half of the body is more active than the upper half". Thats Malestation in its fullest display. In the same show, there's a newly reported molested woman shown in a silo. One could easily make it that she was silo'ed not because of identity concerns but because she was reading a script given by the channel. The anchor is pouring all her emotions (no sexual intent in that very normal phrase) into her questions to this newly molested and the responses are read out of the script. Well, the pour didnot stop where it had to and the anchor went on with few questions that were not in the script and the newly molested was searching the papers for the answers..The technical glitch came to rescue!

Then there were footballers who dint know the difference between a football and a spicejet airhostess' posterior, apparently!

I dont get this. if the media has to conduct the trial on TV for every rape, molestation and site-adichan cases, they may well start NDTV molestor or such channel to save the women 19 years after the damage is done. For the rest of us who would like to know the Indian GDP, weather and cricket, let there be some respite!

While I completely detest the "lets play it to the audience" media, there are some appreciable things that media did not do this time

-- Constructed enactment of actual molestation event (which they have started offlate. Check the next time someone is murdered in Gurgaon. A mini-skit will be re-enacted in prime time)

--They didn't ask Aamir Khan for his opinion. These days he has opinions growing like arm pit hair

--They didn't do a quickie psycho-analysis on a molester's mind with some russian educated indian psychiatrist and his lab rat

-- Thank God, they did not call Renuka Chowdhury and Jeyanti Natarajan for a woman's right debate. They normally have caustic comments that would put a malester to shame!

I hope the PR and Law worlds do not take it from where media leaves it. I hope they dont have a "molestor pack" - Free FIR filing, prime time spot, twitter publicity, celebrity support quips all rolled for a starting fee of "x".

God please provide justice to Ruchika family or cut my cable!

Indian & Tamil Baby Names

When we were in the US, the prime job of expat (or the more lowly "immigrant") wife was to get impregnated. Before rebutting this as a cacophonic rattle from a male chauvanist, check the (anecdotal) research done by me and my wife.

-- Wal-marts carry more pregnancy wear in immigrant-dominated neighborhoods

-- Immigrant Ph.D. scholars who are married understood the concept of normal distribution better than others (by remembering the sight of his pregnant wife lying on her bed)

-- Immigrant middle aged men carry prams for shopping while others don't(which points to the recent past behavior of having been "creative")

I can go on with such ground-breaking "anecdotal" research findings. The point is, more immigrants and particularly Indians, were busy in generating the "Gen-next" in the US. Its a moot point that, smart ones do it to get citizenship. As we 'The Ramasamys' are outliers, we obstained from the typecast.

With the economic crisis hitting the world, I decided to contribute my new found free time (from not having clients to sell to) to creating something new. With no easy money found in VC's and no garage to start a business, I decided to create a succession plan for myself.

The point of going down the path of having a kid is, apart from being a result of productivity, it keeps the creative part in you, engaged.

Think about naming a kid. Its both exasperating and creatively indulging. I somehow loathe names like Ananya, Pranav or Rohan. They are on the verge of becoming so common place or too pseudo-cosmic or downright bollywood-ish, in that order.

Another issue with such names, say like "Akanksha", is that when someone asks what it means, I have to churn out a receipe like answer which may go like "Well..it means conquest..it also means self-respect and peace". The sarcastic guy in me would extend the conversation to imaginery extremes like "It's actually 30% conquest, 29.3% self respect and the rest is peace..If you reduce conquest to 12% and increase self-respect to 52% or heat it with little more butter and cilantro, what you get is "Akshaya"!"

Well, then what is "Akshadha"?

Oh..oh..Akshadha is what you get when you bake the same combination instead of frying it.

The rationalist in me thinks that such "meaningful" names may lose their relevance after the first round of letting people know what it means. Beyond that the kid will grow up to be know for what it is than what it's name stands for (except that a boring date could be salvaged with a customary question of 'What does your name mean"?. I have tried this line on many a woman and the dumbness of the responder is directly proportional to the length of the explanation given).

The rebel in me also wants to protest and stand by real tamil names like poongodi or esaki muthu, which are simple, native and godly in some cases. But my wife would have none of that. Her grouse is that when I am named Ashwin in 1980's, why should the gen-next be named "Anguraj". Point taken!

My suggestions for naming the kid with a gender neutral name like 'The Great" (with the surname, it reads as "The Great Ashwin") are being discarded as intolerably narcissistic.

I could strike a neutral ground and stick to simple names that are neither too native nor too meaning-intense and yet godly, like "Sambasivan", "Neelakantan" or "Paripoorni", My wife wouldn't have that too..

Till we hit upon a novel, evergreen, meaning-un-intense and simple name, I shall sign off to make chapathis, for my wife is ready with the roller (which serves multiple un-intended purposes).

Buy One..You sorta get something free!

We went to the country's biggest, crowdest and cheap-indianest consumer electronics show, where they were showing windows 7 hanging around (giggle) and all that! It was pretty packed that one could get abs exercise just by squeezing around through the shop tents.

Our point of being there or re-there was to buy something. Well, Duh! Something meant something to us because we havent been buying anything for sometime now. So we went there on Friday. Now read the intro sentence.

I havent seen thirupathi but I imagine that's how the line would be where laddus are dispensed with. With that crowd and no versace touting 23 something slim beauty nearby, I decided that I may reach the show only when my wife's sleeping time has reached..a.k.a 9 PM. To my pleasant surprise, the queue moved faster than my bowel unloading speed, which is almost eual to escape velocity these days. Only that at this kinda rush we were actually relieved unlike when I rush it out in the loo, my wife actually says she might want to use the swine flu mask for the first time!

To cut the long queue and story short, we boarded the free (and hence packed to the extent that I can explore the breadth of a Pinoy nostril with my elbows) shuttle bus. We had a rousing reception with rhythmic drums of (mostly) indian crowd banging at the doors to let them in and a flustered european crowd trying to leave the scene before the crowd does the same act at them with a different intent. We decided that it is not worth it to make a mental review of disappointing fashion sense of mid 20's asian crowd while risking our lifes to the mostly arrogant wags of the local police.

I persisted the next day and we did go to the consumer show. The car-walk-metro-shuttle-walkethon itself is enough for us to lose interest on anything that needs pedestarian abilities. We being suckers for good deals, persisted and decided to buy an LCD Tv. Rather it should read like this - We being suckers for good deals, I persisted and I decided to buy an LCD Tv when my wife decided to sit somewhere.

The sales guy in one shop, which is curiously named as Jockeys and still sells TVs and not underwears, was quite convincing. Inspite of his lies that I would find a review about the TV in CNET (which I checked immediately), I decided to buy the tv for the reason mentioned in a complicated sentence in paragraph 2. Unreasonable as it may sound, I asked for a DVD player and home theatre free which they promptly refused to give. To prove the might of a customer at a buyer's market, I proudly walked to the neibouring booth (owned by a gujju NRI) and bargained for a deal which would have made them liquidate the owner's stake in the company.

After several attempts to wriggle out a worthy bargain (read: Free mp3 player..nothing more fancy this time) I realized that its not worth it to haggle more, which my wife had a premonition about and hence had never participated in the whole process. A seat for the bum is worthier than being a bum in 2 shops, in front of irriated and sweaty sales guys, said her wisdom laden looks.

Finally we did buy an LCD tv, with a nokia phone (that model which rajasthani milkmen carry in their armpits) along which came 15 free coupons with a chance of winning a trip to bangkok, a city that stinks and that which we dont enjoy anyway.

In any case, I am waiting for the results of the raffle which will be published in the website, while my wife has decided that its worth using the time sleeping than looking at the results in their website!

Shoplefters

When we landed with our bags in this part of the world, we were told to take "Ponni raw rice" one quintal gunny bags for our measly little belongings that wont cross 10 underwears and an equal number of outerwears. We were told that we are going to a "shopping paradise" and hence its required to be prepared for the loot.

Well.. We have seen all those malls & the mall-u families who fill those malls with their india imported ungils and aundies. Some malls are big, some are bigger and some are never ending like, for the lake of better pejorative, namitha's waistline!

If I may publish idiot and illadhavan's guide to shopping in this region, I shall recommend the buyer to look for McDonald's where one could buy an icecream cone for 1 buck and a burger for 3 bucks. We make it a point to ask for obscene quantity of sauce and tissue papers. My wife actually believes in rip won winkle style of contributions - Get from the rich (McD) and give it to the poor (Me & Her). Hereby we pass a decree not to think about this post when you ask for tissue paper at our house.

That self-served benevolence apart, we dont find any such acts directed upon a poor asian buyer here. The malls are brilliantly architected and the shops inside sometimes look like magnified diamond cut swarovski crystal holes. lavishness does find a new meaning here. So when we walk into one such shop with 500 of 50000 watt designer lamps, gillette mach 3 shave touting pinstripped suit wearing armenian sales guy and a 6 ft tall Yves Laurent perfume wearing, overgrown "you know what" displaying sales woman, you hardly get the attention you seek as a customer. Especially since you and I are customers who haven't evolved beyond Arrow shirts and (at the max) giordano pants, with a monthly salary little less than what the native kids spend on pizza and Wii games, your existence is ignored like watervapor in air.

That said, even with the attention if it ever come by our way, I would never spend 5000$ on a watch or 2000$ on a suit. Not that I am not worth it, but my customers or co-workers dont deserve such a marqueely dressed sauve man from mars, or so I say till I really can afford.

Till then, diwali shopping in India in megamart ho!

Business Are There

Like they used to say "Food are there" in our insti canteen, when they host the "hostel garden maintenance" meetings to generate attendance, I need to resort to such titles for my blog, to attract readers. Besides that, this blog is about the business that are there. With the three mandatory lines needed to shed my corporate style writing are over..lemme get to the point


Particularly since I am a married man for 2 years now and having always had my way with women ( or so I love to believe), here are some advices to women I know or will know, on what they could do with their time in hand and the skills that seem to magically possess them!

Ivvidam sagaya vilayil kaadhal tips sollap padum (Loosely traslates to "Love tips are there" for nominal charges):

Women when they get married suddenly seem possessed with an innate ability to understand the psyche of love and what exact direction it will take and how the involved parties should tackle it. Marriage and a new husband gives them an outworldly knowledge & insight into a man's mental or urinal urges. Underarm'ed with that, in a GRT bag, they actually start dishing out (half) baked love advices to everyone who needs it or who finds it too offensive to refuse it.

Ivvidam malivu vilayil GRT ilavasa item attavanai seidhu tharappadam (L.t.t "GRT freebies time table are there)
Circa 1985..With about 7 places to pierce and 9 places to encircle, women manifested themselves to be an ever expanding geography for gold and GRT did capitalize on it. For the men, it said, you get a sootcase free with the belly button ring you buy for your gilma. Before marriage, the gilma meant a lot to men and they did fall defenselessly to the GRT branded sootcase and that value for mani was enough for him to keep the guilt factor aside. GRT has since then has changed tack and now offers salt peradha gifts like waal karandi and cycle balrus, which women seem to have a fascination for (the latter being a fad among women who pierce their lipsuku keezha and thinga vittufy the balrus there). Now the ex-gilma and now amma, knows exactly when to close a GRT cheetu and what free gift to buy with the nagai. I recommend them to offer this to the north indian kundhunani and motwani women they encounter in sowcarpet (who seem to have not taken to GRT yet)

Ingu kuraindha vilayil screw ethi tharap padum (Please dont take the literal meaning here..L.t.t we sell whining services for cheap)
I have noticed that when two women meet they have something to whine about their husband and when three of them meet they have something tell about men and when four meet, they have soemthing to tell about the world minus 4 and this goes on. Thats usual. There are some women who excel in finding a way to whine and they should market this skill. You can identify such women through this conversation:

Seetha: Hey my husband bought me this ring from Dubai!
Peetha: Huh, so he never stays at home aa? He didint take you also aa?

Seetha: Hey we went for a vacation to Dubai and bought this ring!
Peetha: Oh..You went all the way and he bought you only ringa?

Seetha: Hey we went to shopping festival and spent our entire savings. he bought me countless clothes
Peetha: Oh you husband is lavisha? Better be careful. Hope he does not work with satyam

Seetha: Hey we bought a lot of things and we have million shares of google also. My husband is superboy.
Peetha: O. Good. But be careful. If he is that superboy, you keep an eye..better late than never na..

Before I get impounded for my advices, I shall take a pause to observe how the clan warms up to these ideas and if I do see a roaring reception..I shall offer more such ideas..

பீரோ

பச்சை நிறத்தில் "க்ரீச்" என்று திறக்கும் பீரோவின் கனத்தையும் அகலத்தையும் வைத்தே " பொண்ணு வீடு பெரிய இடம் போல" என்று எடை போடும் அளவுக்கு, பீரோவுக்கு அந்த நாட்களில் அதன் பயன்பாட்டைத் தாண்டிய அடையாளம், அங்கீகாரம்.

என் வீட்டு பீரோவை வைத்தே என் குடும்பக் கதையை ஒரு அளவுக்குச் சொல்லி விட இயலும். பச்சை நிற பீரோவில் பட்டையாய் மருவி நிற்கும் கிழிந்த ராமர் பட்டாபிஷேக ஸ்டிக்கர்கள் நான் அப்போதே ஒரு க்ரியேடிவ் மார்கெடிங் மேதை எனறு அப்பாவின் அறையையும் தாண்டி பறை சாற்றியது.

அன்றைய பீரோக்களில் லாக்கர் என்றொரு அதீத சமாச்சாரம் உண்டு. அந்த புதையல் மேல் எனக்கு எப்போதும் ஒரு கண் உண்டு. அதில் இருக்கும் ஹீ மென் ஸ்டிக்கர், அம்மா தர மறுக்கும் கண்ணாடி மூடி கொண்ட, பில்டின் பென்சில் கட்டர் கொண்ட பென்சில் டப்பா, நான் கிழித்தெறிய விரும்பும் என் சிறு வயது அம்மணகுண்டி போட்டோ , அம்மாவின் ஜி ஆர்ர் டி நகைகள் மற்றும் நகை சீட்டுகள், எங்கள் ஒரே பாம்பே ட்ரிப்பில் வாங்கிய கட் ஷூ, இன்னும் ஆயிரமே வருஷங்கள் உள்ளே இருந்தால் வயிரமாக ஆகியிருக்கும் மினு மினு கற்கள், இருவது வருடங்களுக்கு முன் அமெரிகாவிலிர்ந்து வந்த மாமியாரின் ஒர்படியின் மருமான் குடுத்த வாசனை முடிச்சு என்று அள்ளக் குறையாத புதையல்கள்.

ஒரு வகையில் வாழ்க்கையில் எதிர்பார்ப்பு, நம்பிக்கை என்றவற்றை முதலில் எனக்கு அறிமுகப் படுத்திய தருணங்கள், என் அம்மா பொத்திப் பொத்தி வெறுப்பேற்றிய அந்த சிறு வயது நாட்கள்.

விடுமுறைக்கு மெட்ராஸ் செல்லும் ஒரு வாரத்திற்கு முன்னாலே, பீரோவில் அடித் தட்டில் உள்ள பிளாஸ்டிக் டப்பாவில் நான் சேர்த்து வைத்த பொங்கல் பொடி, தீபாவளி போனஸ் போன்றவற்றை எண்ணி எண்ணி மாய்ந்து போயிருக்கிறேன். நூற்றி ஐம்பது ரூவாய்க்கு கிரிக்கட் பேட் வாங்கலாமா அல்லது வெளிநாட்டு ஸ்டாம்ப் வாங்கலாமா என்று கனவிலே குழம்பி யாருக்கும் தெரியாமல் நட்ட நாடு ராத்ரியில் பீரோவைத் திறந்து மறுபடியும் பணத்தை எண்ணிய நாட்கள் இன்றும் பசுமை.

அந்த க்ரீச் சத்தம் கேட்காமல் பீரோவைத் திறந்த கலைக்கு இன்று நான் சுவிஸ் பாங்கில் கொள்ளை அடித்திருக்க வேண்டும். என் க்ரிகாசாரம் , கம்ப்யூட்டரில் கண்ணைக் கசக்கிக் கொண்டிருக்கிறேன்.

வாரம் ஒரு முறை குடும்பத்தோடு சேர்ந்து பீரோ சாவியே தேடுவது வேறு விதமான ஒரு பொழுது போக்கு. மாலுக்கு சென்று கோழி பொறித்த எண்ணையில் பிரெஞ்சு பிரைஸ் சாப்பிடுவதை விட அது நன்றாகத் தான் இருந்தது.

அடித்துப் பிடித்து சீராக வாங்கிய கும்பா, பட்டுப் புடவை, வெள்ளி கொலுசு என்று, அடங்கிய மருமகளாய் அம்மா அனுபவித்த வருடங்களின் சாட்சிகள் இன்றும் அந்த பீரோவில் இருக்கின்றன.

அந்த பீரோவில் உள்ள புதையல்களை விட அதில் இருக்கும் நினைவுகளில் இன்று எனக்கு ஒரு கண். மறு கண்ணில் ஏக்கம்.

Sashtiyaptha poorthi

Disclaimer: I dint force you to read the title of the blog, you uninsured, unsuspecting and now twisted tongue of the reader!

I was in India in a very short trip to attend (than manage or lead) my dad's sashtiyaptapoorthi (hereinafter referred as "Sash"). A few random (I may pass a decree to ban the word random from blogs) thoughts here:

-- Air India Express is a preferred carrier if you dont mind being caught in the middle seat (bench actually) between a overgrown tamil man with over-reaching under-arm smell and a over-sleeping construction worker, who wakes up only to pick his nose.

-- Malayalam movies have improved. The actors no longer avuthu kattify (remove and re-wear) their veshtees on screen anymore.

-- Swine hcchhh flu..hhaaachchhh test is conducted in Indian hhhacchh airports and many sneeze like this as they thrust the "I dont have any symptoms" forms to the immigration officer and walk away to meet & greet their ungils and aundies who have come to the airport.

-- The air of democracy felt good till I decided to pee on the national highway, notwithstanding the fact that NRI pee has no preferrable fragrance to the discerning noses of the Indian highway commuters.

-- Blame it on the highway hotel which charges 100 INR for a dosa and coffee and still hasnt figured out a human urge dissipiation system a.k.a toilet.

-- I am ashamed that I cannot keep the plastic cups away even at my own backyard. The free flow of coffees and water in plastic cups made me worry.

-- The distance you are away from a village is inversely proportional to your broadmindedness. Thanks to all neighbors who let their house doors open for us to use them as they deemed fit (some as Bed & Bath suites, some as dining rooms and some as lavotaries)

-- Priests dont know the meaning and the need of the rituals they conduct and they particularly dont like being asked about the same (even if the asking person foots their bills)

-- South Indian Iyer Cooks still have a fettish for Pinaappil Jaaam. It appeared in my meals every day for the two days that the function went on for.

-- The serving men continue to cheat as brahmins but I wonder how their poonal is so soaked in sweat when they dont wear it anytime other than when they serve us.

-- We believe in what we like. My mom still believes that my house is clean :). I am curious about where it what my house will end up being, after my dad's retirement that happened a couple of days back!

-- I hated being called "hey ennada sheiku..epdi irkkai"

-- I am amazed and relieved that there are social networks that serve a purpose. I was pleasantly surprised to see my 60+ yeares old relatives waxing eloquent about Geni. Thank Paripoorna Kripeshwari, they did not talk about facebook. I am not into it.

-- Everything about the function was predictable. A decently settled son and daughter in law conducting a 60th birthday even. I wish I could conduct their 80+ birthday with a limo, red carpet and designer gifts for the guests.

Amen!