Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Writer's block

Before you ask, who conferred that title "writer" on me, I will admit that its me who self-bestowed it. Damn it...Its my blog..
Anyway, I haven't been writing for a while, complains M. She is a fan of my writing and all that. Some people are very nice and she is of that category and hence... So before some smart-ass leaves a comment on my writing skills..here is my admission that am still a novice..D.I.I.M.B and so I can say anything. I withdraw that admission!
So what do I write about? There are so many things that happened to me in the last one month.
There was a death- of whose proceedings, I was the lone help-man for a whole night. If being up and close to the pains of death and sheer churns the stomach takes when you change the dress of the corpse is not enough, being comfortably forgotten by all relatives that I actually was holding the fort without sleep, really makes me wonder how much human mind can have preoccupied agendas even when attending to death.
There was then a business idea i was so passionate about and spent a few weekends thinking and writing about it. Today it got poo-poohed by a very well-informed man and here I am, back to square one. If there is one thing that never changes in my life, its the struggle to make it big. There have been so many disappointments and effective learnings. But to realize that I am not yet one of those 0.1% of world that strikes it big before 30, makes me nervous and angry.
Between all this there is some emotional investment that I am making. There are some relationships that have propped out of nowhere but here to stay.Like a movie fan, who enjoys planning for a movie, gets there, manages to get the ticket and gets in to the hall, I have crossed the few essentials of this entertaining process. Now as the drama is set to unfold, I'm nervous and hopeful that all that starts well, continues well!
Adding to all this, there is the pleasure and pain of leaving what i called home for 3 years to a new (albeit lovely) place which I can call home for another one year. Such changes unnerve me.Every such change forced upon on me like this landlord who asked us to vacate, makes me realize the value of making it big soon. I wish I had my own house at adyar. Now its just a wish.There is age and time for all this. But I am not convinced why it does not happen now.
While I could attend to all of these, there is one person I wish I could sit besides and participate in her agony of personal loss, which I could not.I could just say "You can count on me:. But I dont know if, she had wanted to count, I could have participated? I feel like I am walking on one direction from a crossroad while turning back to see the way I came through and how much I wish I can go back! I can't!
There is so much happening in life. So much! Each one is worth attending to and worth devoting time on.
P once asked me " Ashwin, if shit is happening, let it happen. But why could God not tell me why its happening and why its justified. I will at least feel the fairness of life"
I said "There is no charm in life, if everything has a known reason"
But I say now " If the most important things in my life happen to me for reasons I dont know, where is the charm/hope/logic of life?"

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