Thursday, March 05, 2009

Indhi Theryiadhu Baba

From the day my mother decided that its essential to learn hindi to survive in this country, I took a vow to
1. Hate Hindi, that intruded into my play time (Thanks to Sriram for introducing the word "Indhi" to me, which aptly defines what we Tams feel for that language)
2. Never work in the lands of amits and aroras
Well, I grew up to realize that the language is different and the people are different and since then have given up on vow 1.

Vow 2 still seems relevant. Though I dont work in Amit Pradesh, an ample dose of Hindi movies (thanks to my imported wife from wheat land make me believe that Amit Pradesh is indeed unliveable for Ashwin "proudly surnamed" ramasamy.

For one I cannot imagine sharing my space in an apartment with "Indhi Appa" like this.

In a country where wearing anything more than a thin piece of aerated lingerie feels suffocatingly humid, wearing multi-layered silk jippa would mean that "Indhi Appa" is a perpetual sweat machine!
Amit Pradesh also hasnt graduated to more human 2.0 chewing habits like Orbit, happy dent, Center Fresh and still prefer this .
Also in question is the sheer affordability of a south indian to buy attrociously expensive and insanely outdated suites that are norm in any social gathering in A.Pradesh ( A social gathering is where clean shaven and red dyed men stand in a circle, while couples wearing locally stitched suites and embroided sarees dance with the desi ballroom moves, in the center of a massive dance hall with two curved unnecessarily oranated staircases with lion faced side rails)
What beats the theory of probability, is how the ghutka chewing amit123 never spills even a nano-litre of the ghutka-saliva concoction on his multi-layered silk suite. Amazing indeed, but not for me ever!
If I can still survive such a social gathering, I will die by the torture of "laximkant-Pyarelal" type "tududuuun taaak tududuuun taak" melodies where the heroines and heros kasamusamatically drool over each other, till the director fears an "A" certificate and cuts the song in favor of a sentimental sob scene. In some cases, the movie does get an "A", if th heroine says
"Mai tumharay bachhe ki maa ban-nay waali hoon! " after the song.
So coming back, its this kind of music and its modern version (read: jab we met) that I loathe and cannot not take migrane head ache, in favor of such musical evenings.
While I can keep going on and on to write an anthology of anti-amit pradesh poems, let me stop with one last grip.
Why the heck they call everyone "baba"?
The other day a Ms. eighteen something amita in NDTV is standing next to a man who mysteriously doesnt get electrocuted when touching a live wire..She goes "Aayiye (chee), hum milte hien "Electric Baba" sae"
Aree Baba...Enaala mudiyala baba!

Monday, March 02, 2009

Of wives and occupational hazards

The occupational hazards of being married are not as open and shut as this:

“You may be required to lift 30 pounds of weight very regularly. You may be required to crawl, creep, roll or sometimes bend, occasionally bend while at work. You may also be expected to stare for a prolonged period of time and at times speak and listen for more than 2-3 hours at a stretch”
Well, I chose not to apply for this job of Director of Sales, as it was too amusing for me to sound rational to read such an expectation from an employer of a “sales guy”. It sounded cornier than the name of a truth-strapped IT company, I say!

And then came marriage and a year or more into it. And How!

I never thought I would have to put up, live with, swallow, digest, live through (or sometimes all of them) the demands of this job, while staying married.

If you plan to get married (and I am sure you wont, after reading this), in spite of being amply educated/fore-warned, this is what you could, should and must expect as “physical and mental conditions and demands of the job”:

1. While at this job, you may be expected to “request” for food and you may always get it half past your peak hunger period, with a self serve option and the dish would almost never be what you ordered (requested) in the first place. You will get no explanation. However you will be spoilt for choice (if you offer to cook on your own, out of sheer anger and dissatisfaction)

2. You cannot keep the loo open, to have a view of the main hall to watch your favorite vadivelu comedy. You would get a nasty reaction like the flip to Karan “hairy chested” johar’s coffee with K-HC-J and a nastier remark like “You cant have the cake and eat it too”. Opportune exhibition of oneup-woman-ship at an opportune time! Is this what they call as “Shit happens when you least expect it?”

3. You might have to get used to disclaimers like
a. I will go and buy tickets for the trip (provided I keep the change, even if it means Rs.1000-Rs.400 is the change). In other words, be prepared to be “shortchanged”
b. I will go to the landfill/dumpyard to throw the household waste (provided you clean the vessels in the sink before I come back)
c. I will prepare the bed (provided you fold the bed in the morning)
d. I will follow up with the bank (on the never ending <> issue, provided you buy me an icecream this weekend when we go for grocery shopping (make it two. Sorry three. The counts increases till you recover from the relapse to make an affirmative action)
e. I will take bath before we go out (provided you tend the washer by then)

4. You may want to be in the know of everything, like
a. The difference between technical recession and depression
b. Who will replace Timothy Geithner if and when and why?
c. How to file 1099 NR?

And when you prepare yourself to these questions, expect to be responded with “Uh, so what. Who cares? Just tell me when they are going to show Filmfare awards” In other words, opportunities for intellectual conversations may end up being two distinct monologues “intellectual” on your part and “conversation” from the other.

5. You may not comment about your partner’s merits beyond the permissible limits. My research says that there are just two ways to maintain peace at this job. One – Praise so much that your conscience bleeds. Two – Praise enough that your conscience pricks

a. Looks
i. You are the best (admirable)
ii. You are good looking (appreciable)
iii. You look okay (damageable)
iv. Your friends looks hot (irreparable)

b. Intelligence
i. You think exactly like my boss’ boss (admirable)
ii. You think like my boss (appreciable)
iii. You think like my friend’s wife (damageable)
iv. You cant even think like my friend’s wife (irreparable)

c. Temper
i. You are cool as a cucumber. People need to learn from you (admirable)
ii. You are like your sister and that’s great (appreciable)
iii. Learn from your sister(damageable)
iv. Lets join a yoga class to see if it works (irreparable)

d. Humor
i. Why don’t you join a humor club or write a column in some magazine (admirable)
ii. Oh man, stop that. My ribs are paining (appreciable)
iii. Its okay. My sense of humor and yours don’t match. Lets work on it (damageable)
iv. I never knew humor could be spelt as s..u..c..k..s, till I married you (irreparable)

6. You should give your wife the space she needs, if it means
a. she would wake up for brushing while you are in the middle of your shave
b. she sleeps next to the air conditioner with the most fluffy pillow in the house
c. the ease of removal of shoes from the rack are inversely proportional to your ownership
d. your ability to control anger should be directly proportional to the number of long hairs flying around the living room’s floor

7. You should know to appreciate and often at that, if it means
a. Telling her how nice she was, the previous day, when she agreed to book tickets without demanding for the retention of the change ( and not ask “heck, isn’t that expected?”)
b. Ravishing her new look (even if it came at a cost of 1/10 of your monthly salary)
c. Appreciating her fashion sense in calling Kareena Kapoor as the woman to be
d. Encouraging her to partake in SMS competitions for MTV Roadies

Note to Editor : (To be proof read by wife before posting and this line is to be deleted before posting)

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