Of wives and occupational hazards

The occupational hazards of being married are not as open and shut as this:

“You may be required to lift 30 pounds of weight very regularly. You may be required to crawl, creep, roll or sometimes bend, occasionally bend while at work. You may also be expected to stare for a prolonged period of time and at times speak and listen for more than 2-3 hours at a stretch”
Well, I chose not to apply for this job of Director of Sales, as it was too amusing for me to sound rational to read such an expectation from an employer of a “sales guy”. It sounded cornier than the name of a truth-strapped IT company, I say!

And then came marriage and a year or more into it. And How!

I never thought I would have to put up, live with, swallow, digest, live through (or sometimes all of them) the demands of this job, while staying married.

If you plan to get married (and I am sure you wont, after reading this), in spite of being amply educated/fore-warned, this is what you could, should and must expect as “physical and mental conditions and demands of the job”:

1. While at this job, you may be expected to “request” for food and you may always get it half past your peak hunger period, with a self serve option and the dish would almost never be what you ordered (requested) in the first place. You will get no explanation. However you will be spoilt for choice (if you offer to cook on your own, out of sheer anger and dissatisfaction)

2. You cannot keep the loo open, to have a view of the main hall to watch your favorite vadivelu comedy. You would get a nasty reaction like the flip to Karan “hairy chested” johar’s coffee with K-HC-J and a nastier remark like “You cant have the cake and eat it too”. Opportune exhibition of oneup-woman-ship at an opportune time! Is this what they call as “Shit happens when you least expect it?”

3. You might have to get used to disclaimers like
a. I will go and buy tickets for the trip (provided I keep the change, even if it means Rs.1000-Rs.400 is the change). In other words, be prepared to be “shortchanged”
b. I will go to the landfill/dumpyard to throw the household waste (provided you clean the vessels in the sink before I come back)
c. I will prepare the bed (provided you fold the bed in the morning)
d. I will follow up with the bank (on the never ending <> issue, provided you buy me an icecream this weekend when we go for grocery shopping (make it two. Sorry three. The counts increases till you recover from the relapse to make an affirmative action)
e. I will take bath before we go out (provided you tend the washer by then)

4. You may want to be in the know of everything, like
a. The difference between technical recession and depression
b. Who will replace Timothy Geithner if and when and why?
c. How to file 1099 NR?

And when you prepare yourself to these questions, expect to be responded with “Uh, so what. Who cares? Just tell me when they are going to show Filmfare awards” In other words, opportunities for intellectual conversations may end up being two distinct monologues “intellectual” on your part and “conversation” from the other.

5. You may not comment about your partner’s merits beyond the permissible limits. My research says that there are just two ways to maintain peace at this job. One – Praise so much that your conscience bleeds. Two – Praise enough that your conscience pricks

a. Looks
i. You are the best (admirable)
ii. You are good looking (appreciable)
iii. You look okay (damageable)
iv. Your friends looks hot (irreparable)

b. Intelligence
i. You think exactly like my boss’ boss (admirable)
ii. You think like my boss (appreciable)
iii. You think like my friend’s wife (damageable)
iv. You cant even think like my friend’s wife (irreparable)

c. Temper
i. You are cool as a cucumber. People need to learn from you (admirable)
ii. You are like your sister and that’s great (appreciable)
iii. Learn from your sister(damageable)
iv. Lets join a yoga class to see if it works (irreparable)

d. Humor
i. Why don’t you join a humor club or write a column in some magazine (admirable)
ii. Oh man, stop that. My ribs are paining (appreciable)
iii. Its okay. My sense of humor and yours don’t match. Lets work on it (damageable)
iv. I never knew humor could be spelt as s..u..c..k..s, till I married you (irreparable)

6. You should give your wife the space she needs, if it means
a. she would wake up for brushing while you are in the middle of your shave
b. she sleeps next to the air conditioner with the most fluffy pillow in the house
c. the ease of removal of shoes from the rack are inversely proportional to your ownership
d. your ability to control anger should be directly proportional to the number of long hairs flying around the living room’s floor

7. You should know to appreciate and often at that, if it means
a. Telling her how nice she was, the previous day, when she agreed to book tickets without demanding for the retention of the change ( and not ask “heck, isn’t that expected?”)
b. Ravishing her new look (even if it came at a cost of 1/10 of your monthly salary)
c. Appreciating her fashion sense in calling Kareena Kapoor as the woman to be
d. Encouraging her to partake in SMS competitions for MTV Roadies

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Note to Editor : (To be proof read by wife before posting and this line is to be deleted before posting)