I came here to write

I came here to write something funny. I have somethings funny to do, to say and to write. Thankfully I never run of them and I guess I never would.

But today its not about any of them. It's about my apprehensions.

I like reading stories after knowing the end. I watch movies only when I like the story.I dont mind reading the last page or seeing a few scenes before deciding. Purpose is very important for me. Be it movies,books or life.

It's this fixation to a purpose that tires me these days. I am what i am.I cannot be any different in this case. But right now and for the past few years the purpose of my professional life has largely been under-served or under-nourished. From great initiatives to absolute disillusionment- I've been through them all. From greatest men to wastrels - I've worked under them all and showed awe and fake-nods equally sincerely.I've chased dreams just to be disturbed in between. I've already spent half a decade doing largely nothing & occassionally well.

I've been a great leader, beloved boss, amazing friend. I've learnt. I've taught. I've inspired.I've been inspired.I've slogged. I've shown promise. I delivered.

In spite of all this, I was never interested and never achieved the greats I wish I had.I've not seen the world beyond my fences, nor have I dared much. I have not earnt the best fortunes. I promise myself every year to make the coming year different and deservingly better. But I have never been able to do that.

There has been a persistent "wait and watch" happening. Like the books I read or movies I watch, I am not able to turn to the cover to know what's in store and then go through the motion and enjoy it. Unfortunately the life story unfolds only one living second at a time. I'm impatient to be without control over the future and control over my life.

They say the only way is to work hard. They never say "Till when?" or "Till What?" and "To get what?"

Life has more questions than answers now.

I dont find a reason yet...

Its been a while since I wrote. I dont find topics to write. Thinking of it, there are many reasons.

May be its the marriage that is around the corner. Many brave men slip into the valley of yawn, boredom and absolution disorientation when marriage strikes. May be that's the reason.

Perhaps I am no longer creative. When people at the age of Amitabh Bachchan can still have their creative juices flowing (like calling himself a farmer and neatly swindling agricultural land), I feel too humbled to flaunt my creativity.

I was thinking I should write about the creative uses of Helmet for two wheeler riders in Tamilnadu, after Kalaignar requested his police men to take it easy with the rule. In a state where rules are changed as fast as ICC coach, I thought I would wait and watch, just to sum up all the news and then write a blog about it.

I even thought of doing the most right thing of today- to write about is Sivaji, the boss. Having seen the movie with the total cost of entertainment of 600 bucks, at 7 AM on a sunday morning, I decide not to rub it into myself again by re-living the experience (of playing into the prank that is Sivaji).

With more interesting things like honeymoon planning and absolutely unbelievable retail revolution finally coming to my use (I heard there is a category called honeymoon lingerie), I decide to take blogging a little easy.

I will write again. Till then follow the news of presidential elections.They may even announce your name as consensus candidate!

Tips for marriage

Men! Like me, one day, you will also decide to get married. Ok I am making it sound as though I was in control with the decision. I wasn't. So...

Men ! One day you will hear that you are getting married and a meeting with the girl will be organized. When it happens, between then and engagement there are some do's, dont's, have's and have nots.

1. You call her first, even if its STD and you are in pre-paid. I am not trying to make you sound courteous. I know we men abhor pretence. The idea of you making a call is, you will always feel the heat to cut the call before charge runs out. Less face time with women!
2. Always suggest places for the first meeting. Dont let her decide. No its not about chivalry. You know where your ex- girl friends dont come. Its better to avoid the unwanted, embarassing hugs from ex-sunitha, ex-priya!
3. Always make her sit first and offer to set up the chair for her. After all this way you can get the entire view of the place, if in case, this discussion gets boring
4. Order what she likes and not what you like....so that you can concentrate on better things when she is at her favorite ice cream
5. Pay the bills. Its both courtesy and also empirical evidence that women dont carry purse when men are around. Your prospect will be no different!
6. Dont kiss her.She would have come with lot of revlon base on her cheeks. You dont want allergy, do you? Same applies for smooch. But always say you show restraint becuase you are a decent man!
7. Buy her a lot of perfume. She may think you love her loads. I know, it might be true and also what's untold is that even in love we dont tolerate the smell of rotten onions.
8. Talk tall about her family lineage. Even if its hopless wife-beating, husband-cheating family, you are going to be a part of it. So its wise to say good things and console yourself in private that self depriciating jokes are good stress busters.
9. Never lie. I know it contradicts all the above tips. If its not possible, tell your lies with straight face. It makes sense for the future. Imagine you come home after an onsite trip where tried some caucasian experiments after dark and your wife asks about your nights there without her. You can say "Oh I was listening to Newyork Nagaram Urangum Neram" song in ipod. She will be in your arms already. Well after the caucasian experiment, this falling in arms of a fat Indian wife may not excite you. But hey, this is what you asked for when you decided to get marry!

Disclaimer: If you cant religiously do all of these, there is a simple tip. Starting loving your fiancee! Everything else falls in place without you working for it.

Did I hear the word "balancing act?", anybody?

Vandhuttomle....What Kavalai people have!!

This post is about society and the questions they have about "us". The society that opens its windows to see who has come to your house in Ford Fiesta; The same society that throws empty milk pouches to your compounds when garbage overflows from their dustbin; The society that behaves like the known street dog that is unpredictable - barks at you one time and wags its tail other times; The society that is - our neighbors, their servants, our dad's and mom's collegues, our aunts, unknown relations that you meet only during weddings !!

My apartment uncle (who by the way is a state govt employee and generally a crooked asshole)

Thambi neenga endha call center le velai pakreenga? (Vicarious pleasure in hurting my ego. I used to come late from work for a few years..And this is his way of making me feel like a wastrel !)

My dad/mom's collegue (Who is not a crooked asshole, but equally irritating - Does not brush frequently. Does not use perfume)

Sir enna velai pakreenga (Not that if I explain presales and solution architecting he is going to understand...But still I do for reasons you would know of as you read further)

Collegue 1 to my dad/mom's collegue 2 (Who is not crooked, doesnt stink and brushes without fail. He just hogs anything remotely edible), Same question!

Sir software le velai pakrar.

C2: Andha computer le okkandhu ena thambi apdi adipeenga??

Me: GAWWWWW!!!!

Mami 1 (Who does not have kids or has kids who have a hare's brain)

Nee foriegn laam polaya?

Me(of course not aloud): ila mami naa urine than poven. moonu velai thani kudicha thannala poradhu...easyo ilayo!! Cackoos pardhuku visa vum vendam drug test um vendam..simple pongo!!

Mami 2 (Who has kids who have hare's brain as well, but just plain lucky and hence in the US)

Nee "You Yes" laam polaya da? (Note that its not US or states. Its "You Yes")

Mama (Mami 2's Husband)

Neeyum ena sathyathla thaane irukai? Ena Javava? Elarum ipo adhane panrangal!! (Can easily replace Dayanidhi Maran as Minister of DisInformation Technology)

Some fellow villager at my village:

Enga velai paake?

Me: Company le

Villager: "Yenyya..Govermentu velai kadaikalaya?"

Dad/Mom's Collegue 3 :

Thambi nee madras la thane velai paake...en payyanum anga than irukaan...address tharen poi paaru...

Me: Duh...Why?

Dedication: This post is dedicated to my w-b-wife who has been a great fan of my blog.

E O W M W I T B!!

Writer's block

Before you ask, who conferred that title "writer" on me, I will admit that its me who self-bestowed it. Damn it...Its my blog..

Anyway, I haven't been writing for a while, complains M. She is a fan of my writing and all that. Some people are very nice and she is of that category and hence... So before some smart-ass leaves a comment on my writing skills..here is my admission that am still a novice..D.I.I.M.B and so I can say anything. I withdraw that admission!

So what do I write about? There are so many things that happened to me in the last one month.

There was a death- of whose proceedings, I was the lone help-man for a whole night. If being up and close to the pains of death and sheer churns the stomach takes when you change the dress of the corpse is not enough, being comfortably forgotten by all relatives that I actually was holding the fort without sleep, really makes me wonder how much human mind can have preoccupied agendas even when attending to death.

There was then a business idea i was so passionate about and spent a few weekends thinking and writing about it. Today it got poo-poohed by a very well-informed man and here I am, back to square one. If there is one thing that never changes in my life, its the struggle to make it big. There have been so many disappointments and effective learnings. But to realize that I am not yet one of those 0.1% of world that strikes it big before 30, makes me nervous and angry.

Between all this there is some emotional investment that I am making. There are some relationships that have propped out of nowhere but here to stay.Like a movie fan, who enjoys planning for a movie, gets there, manages to get the ticket and gets in to the hall, I have crossed the few essentials of this entertaining process. Now as the drama is set to unfold, I'm nervous and hopeful that all that starts well, continues well!

Adding to all this, there is the pleasure and pain of leaving what i called home for 3 years to a new (albeit lovely) place which I can call home for another one year. Such changes unnerve me.Every such change forced upon on me like this landlord who asked us to vacate, makes me realize the value of making it big soon. I wish I had my own house at adyar. Now its just a wish.There is age and time for all this. But I am not convinced why it does not happen now.

While I could attend to all of these, there is one person I wish I could sit besides and participate in her agony of personal loss, which I could not.I could just say "You can count on me:. But I dont know if, she had wanted to count, I could have participated? I feel like I am walking on one direction from a crossroad while turning back to see the way I came through and how much I wish I can go back! I can't!

There is so much happening in life. So much! Each one is worth attending to and worth devoting time on.

P once asked me " Ashwin, if shit is happening, let it happen. But why could God not tell me why its happening and why its justified. I will at least feel the fairness of life"

I said "There is no charm in life, if everything has a known reason"

But I say now " If the most important things in my life happen to me for reasons I dont know, where is the charm/hope/logic of life?"

Girl Dekho

If you are 20-something and have reasonably arrived in life, murphy's law starts working in its worst way expected. This is when GD happens.There are some tell-tale signs when this dubious underground activity called "Girl Dekho" is getting planned.

1. Your mom suddenly tells she is getting old and not as active as she used to be. (Notwithstanding her new craze for designer cut shoes which she picks up one pair each, every month when she visits you)
2. You are suddenly invited to all marriages and for some unknown reason your face is framed in the close circuit tv in the marriage hall (Though you would have innocently been thinking that you are naturally beuatiful and hence..)
3. Your not-so-favorite relatives will suddenly be interested in knowing about your job (Though after 1/2 hour of telling them you are into sales in a software company, they will still say "Payyan software le vela pakran")
4. Your dad who till now took a who-are-you stance at you, will start pestering you to buy a house
5. Your america (went for daughter's maternity) returned aunty will ask your height and photo (Next thing you know, your profile will be in bharatmatrimony.com)

So how to avoid "Girl Dekho"?

1. When you mom says she is getting old, give her a "oh-is-that-not-the-case-for-the-last 10 years" look. Never entertain a discussion.Never get sentimental. Its a ploy!
2. Never go to weddings. Even if you have to go bearded and if possible with mouth-ful of manikchand gutka. If you are a girl wear a very revealing ghagra choli and give a hug to the food contractor telling his sambhar was good!
3. When someone aunty asks for your photo, send the one where your hands are strategically placed around a not-so-conservative girl/guy. More the smoke in the frame, the better it is.
4. If inspite of all your efforts, some prospective oversmart dad-of a guy/girl comes to you and asks about your hobbies, just say - premarital sex!

If you are dumb and wonder why it is such a bad idea, sample a few here!

1. You may never get to do the "Girl Dekho" straight. If the girl has a bro, you may end up doing a "bro dekho", just so that he can assess how much of a hannibal you are before his thangachee can meet you.
2. If you are those unlucky types, "bro dekho" will be preceded/succedded by "Parivar Dekho". The girl's mom, mom's dog, dad, dad's uncle, his snuff box, snuff, grand father with overgrown nose hair, uncle with baggy and reebok shoes will all want to meet you.
3. You will have to shave in the middle of the work week
4. You might even be suggested to get a manicure/pedicure/facial done
5. You would have to get locked up in a room with a girl/guy who does not know what to say and where to start. When you finally initiate a conversation, her sister will door deliver "kesari" and "mundiri paruppu". However better it is to eat them, than to talk to the dork on the otherside of the cot, you somehow would feel that reverse metabolism is happening and your mouth feels like ass. It's a queasy feeling to get into a claustrophobia-meets-xenophobia situation.
6. You might have to encounter silly salutations like "maplai saar" which you never craved to earn ever!
7. You would be expected to smile at a kid and say "cute", which you would have held upside down on your balcony, for a brat it is.

So "GIrl Dekho" is all about being out of yourself, playing to the audience and often requiring to suond absolutely in control and perfectly logical person when saying "Hi, oh you are shanthi".."Nice meeting you...Chal let's get married"

Moment - The guy's love interest on a girl was exposed