Indian & Tamil Baby Names

When we were in the US, the prime job of expat (or the more lowly "immigrant") wife was to get impregnated. Before rebutting this as a cacophonic rattle from a male chauvanist, check the (anecdotal) research done by me and my wife.

-- Wal-marts carry more pregnancy wear in immigrant-dominated neighborhoods

-- Immigrant Ph.D. scholars who are married understood the concept of normal distribution better than others (by remembering the sight of his pregnant wife lying on her bed)

-- Immigrant middle aged men carry prams for shopping while others don't(which points to the recent past behavior of having been "creative")

I can go on with such ground-breaking "anecdotal" research findings. The point is, more immigrants and particularly Indians, were busy in generating the "Gen-next" in the US. Its a moot point that, smart ones do it to get citizenship. As we 'The Ramasamys' are outliers, we obstained from the typecast.

With the economic crisis hitting the world, I decided to contribute my new found free time (from not having clients to sell to) to creating something new. With no easy money found in VC's and no garage to start a business, I decided to create a succession plan for myself.

The point of going down the path of having a kid is, apart from being a result of productivity, it keeps the creative part in you, engaged.

Think about naming a kid. Its both exasperating and creatively indulging. I somehow loathe names like Ananya, Pranav or Rohan. They are on the verge of becoming so common place or too pseudo-cosmic or downright bollywood-ish, in that order.

Another issue with such names, say like "Akanksha", is that when someone asks what it means, I have to churn out a receipe like answer which may go like "Well..it means conquest..it also means self-respect and peace". The sarcastic guy in me would extend the conversation to imaginery extremes like "It's actually 30% conquest, 29.3% self respect and the rest is peace..If you reduce conquest to 12% and increase self-respect to 52% or heat it with little more butter and cilantro, what you get is "Akshaya"!"

Well, then what is "Akshadha"?

Oh..oh..Akshadha is what you get when you bake the same combination instead of frying it.

The rationalist in me thinks that such "meaningful" names may lose their relevance after the first round of letting people know what it means. Beyond that the kid will grow up to be know for what it is than what it's name stands for (except that a boring date could be salvaged with a customary question of 'What does your name mean"?. I have tried this line on many a woman and the dumbness of the responder is directly proportional to the length of the explanation given).

The rebel in me also wants to protest and stand by real tamil names like poongodi or esaki muthu, which are simple, native and godly in some cases. But my wife would have none of that. Her grouse is that when I am named Ashwin in 1980's, why should the gen-next be named "Anguraj". Point taken!

My suggestions for naming the kid with a gender neutral name like 'The Great" (with the surname, it reads as "The Great Ashwin") are being discarded as intolerably narcissistic.

I could strike a neutral ground and stick to simple names that are neither too native nor too meaning-intense and yet godly, like "Sambasivan", "Neelakantan" or "Paripoorni", My wife wouldn't have that too..

Till we hit upon a novel, evergreen, meaning-un-intense and simple name, I shall sign off to make chapathis, for my wife is ready with the roller (which serves multiple un-intended purposes).

Buy One..You sorta get something free!

We went to the country's biggest, crowdest and cheap-indianest consumer electronics show, where they were showing windows 7 hanging around (giggle) and all that! It was pretty packed that one could get abs exercise just by squeezing around through the shop tents.

Our point of being there or re-there was to buy something. Well, Duh! Something meant something to us because we havent been buying anything for sometime now. So we went there on Friday. Now read the intro sentence.

I havent seen thirupathi but I imagine that's how the line would be where laddus are dispensed with. With that crowd and no versace touting 23 something slim beauty nearby, I decided that I may reach the show only when my wife's sleeping time has reached..a.k.a 9 PM. To my pleasant surprise, the queue moved faster than my bowel unloading speed, which is almost eual to escape velocity these days. Only that at this kinda rush we were actually relieved unlike when I rush it out in the loo, my wife actually says she might want to use the swine flu mask for the first time!

To cut the long queue and story short, we boarded the free (and hence packed to the extent that I can explore the breadth of a Pinoy nostril with my elbows) shuttle bus. We had a rousing reception with rhythmic drums of (mostly) indian crowd banging at the doors to let them in and a flustered european crowd trying to leave the scene before the crowd does the same act at them with a different intent. We decided that it is not worth it to make a mental review of disappointing fashion sense of mid 20's asian crowd while risking our lifes to the mostly arrogant wags of the local police.

I persisted the next day and we did go to the consumer show. The car-walk-metro-shuttle-walkethon itself is enough for us to lose interest on anything that needs pedestarian abilities. We being suckers for good deals, persisted and decided to buy an LCD Tv. Rather it should read like this - We being suckers for good deals, I persisted and I decided to buy an LCD Tv when my wife decided to sit somewhere.

The sales guy in one shop, which is curiously named as Jockeys and still sells TVs and not underwears, was quite convincing. Inspite of his lies that I would find a review about the TV in CNET (which I checked immediately), I decided to buy the tv for the reason mentioned in a complicated sentence in paragraph 2. Unreasonable as it may sound, I asked for a DVD player and home theatre free which they promptly refused to give. To prove the might of a customer at a buyer's market, I proudly walked to the neibouring booth (owned by a gujju NRI) and bargained for a deal which would have made them liquidate the owner's stake in the company.

After several attempts to wriggle out a worthy bargain (read: Free mp3 player..nothing more fancy this time) I realized that its not worth it to haggle more, which my wife had a premonition about and hence had never participated in the whole process. A seat for the bum is worthier than being a bum in 2 shops, in front of irriated and sweaty sales guys, said her wisdom laden looks.

Finally we did buy an LCD tv, with a nokia phone (that model which rajasthani milkmen carry in their armpits) along which came 15 free coupons with a chance of winning a trip to bangkok, a city that stinks and that which we dont enjoy anyway.

In any case, I am waiting for the results of the raffle which will be published in the website, while my wife has decided that its worth using the time sleeping than looking at the results in their website!

Shoplefters

When we landed with our bags in this part of the world, we were told to take "Ponni raw rice" one quintal gunny bags for our measly little belongings that wont cross 10 underwears and an equal number of outerwears. We were told that we are going to a "shopping paradise" and hence its required to be prepared for the loot.

Well.. We have seen all those malls & the mall-u families who fill those malls with their india imported ungils and aundies. Some malls are big, some are bigger and some are never ending like, for the lake of better pejorative, namitha's waistline!

If I may publish idiot and illadhavan's guide to shopping in this region, I shall recommend the buyer to look for McDonald's where one could buy an icecream cone for 1 buck and a burger for 3 bucks. We make it a point to ask for obscene quantity of sauce and tissue papers. My wife actually believes in rip won winkle style of contributions - Get from the rich (McD) and give it to the poor (Me & Her). Hereby we pass a decree not to think about this post when you ask for tissue paper at our house.

That self-served benevolence apart, we dont find any such acts directed upon a poor asian buyer here. The malls are brilliantly architected and the shops inside sometimes look like magnified diamond cut swarovski crystal holes. lavishness does find a new meaning here. So when we walk into one such shop with 500 of 50000 watt designer lamps, gillette mach 3 shave touting pinstripped suit wearing armenian sales guy and a 6 ft tall Yves Laurent perfume wearing, overgrown "you know what" displaying sales woman, you hardly get the attention you seek as a customer. Especially since you and I are customers who haven't evolved beyond Arrow shirts and (at the max) giordano pants, with a monthly salary little less than what the native kids spend on pizza and Wii games, your existence is ignored like watervapor in air.

That said, even with the attention if it ever come by our way, I would never spend 5000$ on a watch or 2000$ on a suit. Not that I am not worth it, but my customers or co-workers dont deserve such a marqueely dressed sauve man from mars, or so I say till I really can afford.

Till then, diwali shopping in India in megamart ho!

Business Are There

Like they used to say "Food are there" in our insti canteen, when they host the "hostel garden maintenance" meetings to generate attendance, I need to resort to such titles for my blog, to attract readers. Besides that, this blog is about the business that are there. With the three mandatory lines needed to shed my corporate style writing are over..lemme get to the point


Particularly since I am a married man for 2 years now and having always had my way with women ( or so I love to believe), here are some advices to women I know or will know, on what they could do with their time in hand and the skills that seem to magically possess them!

Ivvidam sagaya vilayil kaadhal tips sollap padum (Loosely traslates to "Love tips are there" for nominal charges):

Women when they get married suddenly seem possessed with an innate ability to understand the psyche of love and what exact direction it will take and how the involved parties should tackle it. Marriage and a new husband gives them an outworldly knowledge & insight into a man's mental or urinal urges. Underarm'ed with that, in a GRT bag, they actually start dishing out (half) baked love advices to everyone who needs it or who finds it too offensive to refuse it.

Ivvidam malivu vilayil GRT ilavasa item attavanai seidhu tharappadam (L.t.t "GRT freebies time table are there)
Circa 1985..With about 7 places to pierce and 9 places to encircle, women manifested themselves to be an ever expanding geography for gold and GRT did capitalize on it. For the men, it said, you get a sootcase free with the belly button ring you buy for your gilma. Before marriage, the gilma meant a lot to men and they did fall defenselessly to the GRT branded sootcase and that value for mani was enough for him to keep the guilt factor aside. GRT has since then has changed tack and now offers salt peradha gifts like waal karandi and cycle balrus, which women seem to have a fascination for (the latter being a fad among women who pierce their lipsuku keezha and thinga vittufy the balrus there). Now the ex-gilma and now amma, knows exactly when to close a GRT cheetu and what free gift to buy with the nagai. I recommend them to offer this to the north indian kundhunani and motwani women they encounter in sowcarpet (who seem to have not taken to GRT yet)

Ingu kuraindha vilayil screw ethi tharap padum (Please dont take the literal meaning here..L.t.t we sell whining services for cheap)
I have noticed that when two women meet they have something to whine about their husband and when three of them meet they have something tell about men and when four meet, they have soemthing to tell about the world minus 4 and this goes on. Thats usual. There are some women who excel in finding a way to whine and they should market this skill. You can identify such women through this conversation:

Seetha: Hey my husband bought me this ring from Dubai!
Peetha: Huh, so he never stays at home aa? He didint take you also aa?

Seetha: Hey we went for a vacation to Dubai and bought this ring!
Peetha: Oh..You went all the way and he bought you only ringa?

Seetha: Hey we went to shopping festival and spent our entire savings. he bought me countless clothes
Peetha: Oh you husband is lavisha? Better be careful. Hope he does not work with satyam

Seetha: Hey we bought a lot of things and we have million shares of google also. My husband is superboy.
Peetha: O. Good. But be careful. If he is that superboy, you keep an eye..better late than never na..

Before I get impounded for my advices, I shall take a pause to observe how the clan warms up to these ideas and if I do see a roaring reception..I shall offer more such ideas..

பீரோ

பச்சை நிறத்தில் "க்ரீச்" என்று திறக்கும் பீரோவின் கனத்தையும் அகலத்தையும் வைத்தே " பொண்ணு வீடு பெரிய இடம் போல" என்று எடை போடும் அளவுக்கு, பீரோவுக்கு அந்த நாட்களில் அதன் பயன்பாட்டைத் தாண்டிய அடையாளம், அங்கீகாரம்.

என் வீட்டு பீரோவை வைத்தே என் குடும்பக் கதையை ஒரு அளவுக்குச் சொல்லி விட இயலும். பச்சை நிற பீரோவில் பட்டையாய் மருவி நிற்கும் கிழிந்த ராமர் பட்டாபிஷேக ஸ்டிக்கர்கள் நான் அப்போதே ஒரு க்ரியேடிவ் மார்கெடிங் மேதை எனறு அப்பாவின் அறையையும் தாண்டி பறை சாற்றியது.

அன்றைய பீரோக்களில் லாக்கர் என்றொரு அதீத சமாச்சாரம் உண்டு. அந்த புதையல் மேல் எனக்கு எப்போதும் ஒரு கண் உண்டு. அதில் இருக்கும் ஹீ மென் ஸ்டிக்கர், அம்மா தர மறுக்கும் கண்ணாடி மூடி கொண்ட, பில்டின் பென்சில் கட்டர் கொண்ட பென்சில் டப்பா, நான் கிழித்தெறிய விரும்பும் என் சிறு வயது அம்மணகுண்டி போட்டோ , அம்மாவின் ஜி ஆர்ர் டி நகைகள் மற்றும் நகை சீட்டுகள், எங்கள் ஒரே பாம்பே ட்ரிப்பில் வாங்கிய கட் ஷூ, இன்னும் ஆயிரமே வருஷங்கள் உள்ளே இருந்தால் வயிரமாக ஆகியிருக்கும் மினு மினு கற்கள், இருவது வருடங்களுக்கு முன் அமெரிகாவிலிர்ந்து வந்த மாமியாரின் ஒர்படியின் மருமான் குடுத்த வாசனை முடிச்சு என்று அள்ளக் குறையாத புதையல்கள்.

ஒரு வகையில் வாழ்க்கையில் எதிர்பார்ப்பு, நம்பிக்கை என்றவற்றை முதலில் எனக்கு அறிமுகப் படுத்திய தருணங்கள், என் அம்மா பொத்திப் பொத்தி வெறுப்பேற்றிய அந்த சிறு வயது நாட்கள்.

விடுமுறைக்கு மெட்ராஸ் செல்லும் ஒரு வாரத்திற்கு முன்னாலே, பீரோவில் அடித் தட்டில் உள்ள பிளாஸ்டிக் டப்பாவில் நான் சேர்த்து வைத்த பொங்கல் பொடி, தீபாவளி போனஸ் போன்றவற்றை எண்ணி எண்ணி மாய்ந்து போயிருக்கிறேன். நூற்றி ஐம்பது ரூவாய்க்கு கிரிக்கட் பேட் வாங்கலாமா அல்லது வெளிநாட்டு ஸ்டாம்ப் வாங்கலாமா என்று கனவிலே குழம்பி யாருக்கும் தெரியாமல் நட்ட நாடு ராத்ரியில் பீரோவைத் திறந்து மறுபடியும் பணத்தை எண்ணிய நாட்கள் இன்றும் பசுமை.

அந்த க்ரீச் சத்தம் கேட்காமல் பீரோவைத் திறந்த கலைக்கு இன்று நான் சுவிஸ் பாங்கில் கொள்ளை அடித்திருக்க வேண்டும். என் க்ரிகாசாரம் , கம்ப்யூட்டரில் கண்ணைக் கசக்கிக் கொண்டிருக்கிறேன்.

வாரம் ஒரு முறை குடும்பத்தோடு சேர்ந்து பீரோ சாவியே தேடுவது வேறு விதமான ஒரு பொழுது போக்கு. மாலுக்கு சென்று கோழி பொறித்த எண்ணையில் பிரெஞ்சு பிரைஸ் சாப்பிடுவதை விட அது நன்றாகத் தான் இருந்தது.

அடித்துப் பிடித்து சீராக வாங்கிய கும்பா, பட்டுப் புடவை, வெள்ளி கொலுசு என்று, அடங்கிய மருமகளாய் அம்மா அனுபவித்த வருடங்களின் சாட்சிகள் இன்றும் அந்த பீரோவில் இருக்கின்றன.

அந்த பீரோவில் உள்ள புதையல்களை விட அதில் இருக்கும் நினைவுகளில் இன்று எனக்கு ஒரு கண். மறு கண்ணில் ஏக்கம்.

Sashtiyaptha poorthi

Disclaimer: I dint force you to read the title of the blog, you uninsured, unsuspecting and now twisted tongue of the reader!

I was in India in a very short trip to attend (than manage or lead) my dad's sashtiyaptapoorthi (hereinafter referred as "Sash"). A few random (I may pass a decree to ban the word random from blogs) thoughts here:

-- Air India Express is a preferred carrier if you dont mind being caught in the middle seat (bench actually) between a overgrown tamil man with over-reaching under-arm smell and a over-sleeping construction worker, who wakes up only to pick his nose.

-- Malayalam movies have improved. The actors no longer avuthu kattify (remove and re-wear) their veshtees on screen anymore.

-- Swine hcchhh flu..hhaaachchhh test is conducted in Indian hhhacchh airports and many sneeze like this as they thrust the "I dont have any symptoms" forms to the immigration officer and walk away to meet & greet their ungils and aundies who have come to the airport.

-- The air of democracy felt good till I decided to pee on the national highway, notwithstanding the fact that NRI pee has no preferrable fragrance to the discerning noses of the Indian highway commuters.

-- Blame it on the highway hotel which charges 100 INR for a dosa and coffee and still hasnt figured out a human urge dissipiation system a.k.a toilet.

-- I am ashamed that I cannot keep the plastic cups away even at my own backyard. The free flow of coffees and water in plastic cups made me worry.

-- The distance you are away from a village is inversely proportional to your broadmindedness. Thanks to all neighbors who let their house doors open for us to use them as they deemed fit (some as Bed & Bath suites, some as dining rooms and some as lavotaries)

-- Priests dont know the meaning and the need of the rituals they conduct and they particularly dont like being asked about the same (even if the asking person foots their bills)

-- South Indian Iyer Cooks still have a fettish for Pinaappil Jaaam. It appeared in my meals every day for the two days that the function went on for.

-- The serving men continue to cheat as brahmins but I wonder how their poonal is so soaked in sweat when they dont wear it anytime other than when they serve us.

-- We believe in what we like. My mom still believes that my house is clean :). I am curious about where it what my house will end up being, after my dad's retirement that happened a couple of days back!

-- I hated being called "hey ennada sheiku..epdi irkkai"

-- I am amazed and relieved that there are social networks that serve a purpose. I was pleasantly surprised to see my 60+ yeares old relatives waxing eloquent about Geni. Thank Paripoorna Kripeshwari, they did not talk about facebook. I am not into it.

-- Everything about the function was predictable. A decently settled son and daughter in law conducting a 60th birthday even. I wish I could conduct their 80+ birthday with a limo, red carpet and designer gifts for the guests.

Amen!

Cooling Glass

Thats what I used to call "Sun Glasses" or "Goggles" till I graduated out of college. Thats how alien I am, to the concept of wearing a "kannadi" for non medical purposes. Moreover, I imagine, I'd feel like a person from bomb squad, when i wear the cooling glass and walk into the office with a heavy leather bag, laptop and paraphernalia.

Now in this country where the sun is as unbearable as Bappi Lahiri's new album visuals or simbhu's existence on earth, I am forced to buy a cooling glass.

I took less time deciding about my marriage than I have invested on the decision of choosing my cooling glass, which I have not bought yet.

There are about 5 optical shops (They call it sunglass huts! whatever!) in my part of the city and all of them know me as a person ask complicated questions about the alloy used in the frame and the thickness of the anti reflection coat, but would never buy. With that pretext firmly verified, the svelte european woman (Wife to gloss over this piece of observation as plain academic urge of mine) to our own mallu ungil, in these shops treat me a particularly racist unspoken slur whenever I walk in. But my dilemmas are mine and I would firmly defend them till they are cleared.

-- What are the best brands - Bvlgari? Gucci? Prada? Dior? or would Arnette be a brand too? I realized that there are too many brands that anything that ends with "LI" can qualify to be a high end italian brand..Thinking of buying a cheap frame and printing "Ashwinilli" on it...sounds roberto cavalli or fendi like?

-- I need preseciption sun glasses and that means any brand above wont make sense to me, because the lens are going to be replaced. So why then go for a brand? Just for their name on the frame, which is visible only to a keen observer, who should come very close to the frame? That would mean we both have to compromise the laws of the society (assuming the obvious that the keen interest will always come from a woman)

-- My street corner grocery store sells branded cooling glass look alikes for 100 bucks, when the orginals cost 1000 bucks. I just buy them and change the lens. I can have the cake and eat it too. But that sounds too cheap a thing to do, I guess. Unless some branded sunglass wearing cool dude, endorses the secret movement, that is long underway!

-- Much to my dismay, I went to one of those very same sunglass huts and I realized that they have a deal for Prada (450 bucks) while in actual it costs 1000 bucks. But the prescription costs another 450 bucks!! WTH? And is there a guarantee that these Pradas are not made in china? In fact, the rather unfriendly customer service manager is from China (tells her almost witch like reactions to my bargaining overtures)

-- Then there is another dilemma whether I should buy one in India and keep abusing it coz I anyway cannot maintain such things for nuts or rather go for a laser surgery..

With all these cosmic forces driven dilemmas playing on my mind which again is a microcosm of the cosmos itself..I decide to bargain hunt today again!

Social Marketing is a drain!

I need to be foolish to make such a statement and hope that I become a social media marketer. But that is the truth, facebook notwithstanding!

Its both unnecessary & convoluted to be inventing marketing once over, because we've this new destination called a social network.

For those marketers and brands which spend a lot of $$ on tracking user behavior on these networks, I have a few questions:

1. Are you sure these profile owners tell who they really are - by age, by sex, by location?

2. Do they behave like how they do in the real world?

3. If the premise of social network is that you can shed inhibitions, lose some rationality & perhaps moral code of conduct freely and feel less guilty about it, then what grain of success are the brands chasing, while trying to sell themselves to people who are not what they seem to be?

4. If building imagery is a way of bringing quasi-rationality to otherwise irrational decisions, should one not, by design, move away from media that promotes irrational and infact false behaviors?

I understand that I am taking an extreme view of the reality of the users of the social media. However it makes sense to note that, social networks don't really deserve the attention that the brands and marketers give them!

Think about it..How many facebook user groups are there in each city and how many times they meet offline vis-a-vis the facebook application developer groups in each city, that meet once a month. Who bonds the most? The users or the benefactors?

Isn't it getting obvious?

Sarwam - Movie Review

Its been a while I wrote and I am ashamed that I write about a movie like Sarwan to break the limbo.

In anycase, having decided that I would do a great dis-service, its only logical that I write about another!

Sarwam is a story of a lovelorn man trying to save his deceased lover's transplanted heart from the villian. No that sounds like a story. It could not be. I saw it.

So, Sarwam is probably a story of a father trying to save his son from a psycopath. Something's wrong. The father was relegated to a hospital bed. He didnt particulary save anything, including our time.

So probably Sarwam is a story of a(nother) father, trying to revenge for the death of his son (and actually wife, who was not worth revenging for, as his actions suggest).

The movie, as you realize, is a a confused concoction of lackluster story lines much like what you woulg get by mixing tomato sauce, idly and chappathi and eat it along with vinegar. Eww...

Arya's back to being a human being after his role as an opium smoking sanyasi. The earlier role suited him the best. He could hid behind his soiled beard when acting dint give much helping hand. In this movie, he loves trisha in the first half, doing what actors like Karthik did well, 30 years ago. The delivery and packaging of love scenes had a simple formula:

2 funny dialogues + 1 sentiment scene with a kid + 1 convictionless anger from heroine + some needless animation of butterflies = formation of love.

Add to it dialogues like 'I wish I die like this", "What will be our future house like", "I will flush the toilet after defeacating", "I will not sneeze while trying to kiss", you will get epic love.

With such epic love, we are in the edge of the seat to know what happens when Trisha dies in an accident. The director should have hurried into those scenes right in the 10th minute of the movie, without giving us glimmers of hope through nice song sequences and cinematorgraphy. It would have been easier for us to plant a bomb in a body part which he probably used to think this story out.

3 months after Trisha dies, her heart is taken out of the samsung refigerator and sent to a hospital. There was a kid there whose "heartila periya hottai" as Jeyaram says in pancha thantiram. The poli (bogus) doctor who was in fact a bajji master till the previous day, uses the same forceps from his "sundari bajji stall" to take the well roasted bajji like heart and keep in the hottai of the kid. As a passing reference, Trisha's father says arya that all this was possible because, the boy had an enlarged heart and hence thrisha's heart fitted his hottai.

The operation was over, much like putting the bajji in a plantain leaf and rolling it a few times with "azhagigal kaidhu" news laden Dinamalar news paper. Only thing the doctor dint ask us audience is 'Saar, thenga sattiniya ile vengaya sattiniya?'

Even if he had asked we wouldnt have been shocked. Yenna engalukku andha vali puriyala.

Coming to that, the previous sentence is the epic dialogue of the movie. The villan, his dhaadi and dog are all trained to be repeat the same thing through out the movie - to say "onaku vali puriyala', 'to never be trimmed' and 'to keep doing 'he he he he' respectively.

Andha vidiya moonji's son and wife were killed in a freak accident by an appam & kadala curry eating mama. The villian wants to kill the mallu aapam mama's son for revenge. Idhan ba istory.

Since the trisha bajji is now the kid's bajji, Arya wants to save the kid. Along with the heart bajji, the director also thought its good if he continues with some heroine type romance even after trisha dies..so you have sequences where the kid and arya have oh-sweet arguments about ilayaraja- ar rehman music, kid getting angry and trying to make faces, kid feeling insecure in the bed (oh god) and all that. WTH??

Finally after mouthing "onaku yen vali puriala" a thousand times, villan and arya meet and villain dies.

The movie comes to an end.

Only when we got up we all realized that the entire theatre had muscular dystropy due to the curses from the villian.

Enakku ipo nalla vali puriyudhu!

Morale of the story: Dont watch tamil movies till a few directors die.

My life came free - Part 1

I hope I am a product of carefully nurtured love & the noble aim to pass on the baton of Ramasamy family DNA down to generations which would probably be known as Ashley Ramasamy or Hariharren Ramasamy, few decades from now and not a freebie for anjaal aluppu marandhu sachet, bought in vaagai adi mukku sumaar (super) market in Tiruneveli.

Evidence is to the contrary though! My father, His father and siblings are well known for their eye for details such as "Bru 150 gm paacketudan skipping kayiru free" and I proudly belong to that lineage which has never bought a single pet jar in its households (be it in Chennai or the US or Singapore). We always have a way with freebies and sniff them better than all namesakes of Tamilnadu put together!

"Onnu vaangina onnu free" has resonated more within our family and held it together for decades than the untruely affection-laden demonstrations such as "Anna, onaku pidikkume nu Delhi lerndhu pori urandai panni eduthindu vandhein". Its considered to be coming of age and "Sundaram iyer parivaar kaa naam roshan karna" type activity, to come home with a freebie! Sworn enemies in brothers and sisters, keep their animosity in their respective VIP-wont-lock-suitcases and appreciate such fetes with generous outpouring of love (read: They get you roadside sweater the next time they come home, which they dont generally spend on).

Today I take immense pride in unveilng some of our proud possessions which would make James Otis' collection of Gandhi belongings look like the relative width of clothes on namitha when compared to her waist size.

Here are those proud conquests:

-- You may walk into any of our first, second, thid cousin fraternity's houses anywhere in the world and we will amaze you with our hospitality. You will get bru coffee in china clay cup and saucer. Thats a promise, if you dont mind the cups and saucers being un-identical. We cannot blame hindustan lever for their inconsistent design of freebies. After all they are free!

-- You may never hesitate to ask us for a plastic cover to carry your kid's milk bottle. We have covers of every size and make. You can choose from RMKv, Walmart, Carrefour or Saravana stores. We demand covers from these organizations even if we are there only for window shopping

-- If you are not the type that uses GPS for navigation, dont hesitate to ask us for a piece of paper and pen to note down the route. The paper would be from eagle diary (depending on your luck, you may even land on an antiquated 1970 diary paper) and the pencil would be from IKEA furniture (which BTW is given to note the furniture specs. Of course, we visit IKEA once a month to collect pencils)

-- While we cook in abundance for our guests and ensure they visit our loo before they leave, excuse us for the tiny dessert bowls, for Gooday biscuit promos dint promise beyond that. Its a strange coincidence that my wife (who is not from our lineage) and my father bought gooday biscuits the same day just to lap up that offer!

-- Ah yeah! While you are at the loo, never forget to use the Swagath hotel sample soap that my dad benevolently donated us (in 100's)

-- For those less observent guests, my heart swells in pride to say that, the spoons for the soup, main course and the desserts were sponsered by my employer's client whose canteen gives a spoon or more a day, for my lunch. We reuse because its free!

The strategically positioned Bvlgari perfume and Nike shaving foam, in our loo are proud displays of, not our affluence, but our persistence in making our air hostess share such freebies meant for business class. After all where there is will, there is a freebie!

I hope we pass on the baton to the future generations and I only wish, they move up the food chain and collect freebies of eclectic nature that will make us all proud and rich!

Aamen!

(PS: Placing a lot of hope on our ability to collect freebies, I have named this blog as Part 1. It should take a week to add another long list of conquests. Thinking of it, we are attending a wedding this week. That means a blouse bit, coconut (why do they give perishables) and a sambadam)

Indhi Theryiadhu Baba

From the day my mother decided that its essential to learn hindi to survive in this country, I took a vow to
1. Hate Hindi, that intruded into my play time (Thanks to Sriram for introducing the word "Indhi" to me, which aptly defines what we Tams feel for that language)
2. Never work in the lands of amits and aroras
Well, I grew up to realize that the language is different and the people are different and since then have given up on vow 1.

Vow 2 still seems relevant. Though I dont work in Amit Pradesh, an ample dose of Hindi movies (thanks to my imported wife from wheat land make me believe that Amit Pradesh is indeed unliveable for Ashwin "proudly surnamed" ramasamy.

For one I cannot imagine sharing my space in an apartment with "Indhi Appa" like this.

In a country where wearing anything more than a thin piece of aerated lingerie feels suffocatingly humid, wearing multi-layered silk jippa would mean that "Indhi Appa" is a perpetual sweat machine!
Amit Pradesh also hasnt graduated to more human 2.0 chewing habits like Orbit, happy dent, Center Fresh and still prefer this .
Also in question is the sheer affordability of a south indian to buy attrociously expensive and insanely outdated suites that are norm in any social gathering in A.Pradesh ( A social gathering is where clean shaven and red dyed men stand in a circle, while couples wearing locally stitched suites and embroided sarees dance with the desi ballroom moves, in the center of a massive dance hall with two curved unnecessarily oranated staircases with lion faced side rails)
What beats the theory of probability, is how the ghutka chewing amit123 never spills even a nano-litre of the ghutka-saliva concoction on his multi-layered silk suite. Amazing indeed, but not for me ever!
If I can still survive such a social gathering, I will die by the torture of "laximkant-Pyarelal" type "tududuuun taaak tududuuun taak" melodies where the heroines and heros kasamusamatically drool over each other, till the director fears an "A" certificate and cuts the song in favor of a sentimental sob scene. In some cases, the movie does get an "A", if th heroine says
"Mai tumharay bachhe ki maa ban-nay waali hoon! " after the song.
So coming back, its this kind of music and its modern version (read: jab we met) that I loathe and cannot not take migrane head ache, in favor of such musical evenings.
While I can keep going on and on to write an anthology of anti-amit pradesh poems, let me stop with one last grip.
Why the heck they call everyone "baba"?
The other day a Ms. eighteen something amita in NDTV is standing next to a man who mysteriously doesnt get electrocuted when touching a live wire..She goes "Aayiye (chee), hum milte hien "Electric Baba" sae"
Aree Baba...Enaala mudiyala baba!

Of wives and occupational hazards

The occupational hazards of being married are not as open and shut as this:

“You may be required to lift 30 pounds of weight very regularly. You may be required to crawl, creep, roll or sometimes bend, occasionally bend while at work. You may also be expected to stare for a prolonged period of time and at times speak and listen for more than 2-3 hours at a stretch”
Well, I chose not to apply for this job of Director of Sales, as it was too amusing for me to sound rational to read such an expectation from an employer of a “sales guy”. It sounded cornier than the name of a truth-strapped IT company, I say!

And then came marriage and a year or more into it. And How!

I never thought I would have to put up, live with, swallow, digest, live through (or sometimes all of them) the demands of this job, while staying married.

If you plan to get married (and I am sure you wont, after reading this), in spite of being amply educated/fore-warned, this is what you could, should and must expect as “physical and mental conditions and demands of the job”:

1. While at this job, you may be expected to “request” for food and you may always get it half past your peak hunger period, with a self serve option and the dish would almost never be what you ordered (requested) in the first place. You will get no explanation. However you will be spoilt for choice (if you offer to cook on your own, out of sheer anger and dissatisfaction)

2. You cannot keep the loo open, to have a view of the main hall to watch your favorite vadivelu comedy. You would get a nasty reaction like the flip to Karan “hairy chested” johar’s coffee with K-HC-J and a nastier remark like “You cant have the cake and eat it too”. Opportune exhibition of oneup-woman-ship at an opportune time! Is this what they call as “Shit happens when you least expect it?”

3. You might have to get used to disclaimers like
a. I will go and buy tickets for the trip (provided I keep the change, even if it means Rs.1000-Rs.400 is the change). In other words, be prepared to be “shortchanged”
b. I will go to the landfill/dumpyard to throw the household waste (provided you clean the vessels in the sink before I come back)
c. I will prepare the bed (provided you fold the bed in the morning)
d. I will follow up with the bank (on the never ending <> issue, provided you buy me an icecream this weekend when we go for grocery shopping (make it two. Sorry three. The counts increases till you recover from the relapse to make an affirmative action)
e. I will take bath before we go out (provided you tend the washer by then)

4. You may want to be in the know of everything, like
a. The difference between technical recession and depression
b. Who will replace Timothy Geithner if and when and why?
c. How to file 1099 NR?

And when you prepare yourself to these questions, expect to be responded with “Uh, so what. Who cares? Just tell me when they are going to show Filmfare awards” In other words, opportunities for intellectual conversations may end up being two distinct monologues “intellectual” on your part and “conversation” from the other.

5. You may not comment about your partner’s merits beyond the permissible limits. My research says that there are just two ways to maintain peace at this job. One – Praise so much that your conscience bleeds. Two – Praise enough that your conscience pricks

a. Looks
i. You are the best (admirable)
ii. You are good looking (appreciable)
iii. You look okay (damageable)
iv. Your friends looks hot (irreparable)

b. Intelligence
i. You think exactly like my boss’ boss (admirable)
ii. You think like my boss (appreciable)
iii. You think like my friend’s wife (damageable)
iv. You cant even think like my friend’s wife (irreparable)

c. Temper
i. You are cool as a cucumber. People need to learn from you (admirable)
ii. You are like your sister and that’s great (appreciable)
iii. Learn from your sister(damageable)
iv. Lets join a yoga class to see if it works (irreparable)

d. Humor
i. Why don’t you join a humor club or write a column in some magazine (admirable)
ii. Oh man, stop that. My ribs are paining (appreciable)
iii. Its okay. My sense of humor and yours don’t match. Lets work on it (damageable)
iv. I never knew humor could be spelt as s..u..c..k..s, till I married you (irreparable)

6. You should give your wife the space she needs, if it means
a. she would wake up for brushing while you are in the middle of your shave
b. she sleeps next to the air conditioner with the most fluffy pillow in the house
c. the ease of removal of shoes from the rack are inversely proportional to your ownership
d. your ability to control anger should be directly proportional to the number of long hairs flying around the living room’s floor

7. You should know to appreciate and often at that, if it means
a. Telling her how nice she was, the previous day, when she agreed to book tickets without demanding for the retention of the change ( and not ask “heck, isn’t that expected?”)
b. Ravishing her new look (even if it came at a cost of 1/10 of your monthly salary)
c. Appreciating her fashion sense in calling Kareena Kapoor as the woman to be
d. Encouraging her to partake in SMS competitions for MTV Roadies

<>

Note to Editor : (To be proof read by wife before posting and this line is to be deleted before posting)

News Reel

There are a few spell binding PJs that nag me to be let free on the day when I had nothing to do than watch Karan (hairy chested) Johar on TV..

I take refuge to blogging to escape the Karan hariy chested, chipped teeth Johar show..

So here are the assaults (Read like the NDTV News):

International News:

1. Why would JKLF's (separtist outfit) chief (at his age of 45) marry a 28 year old brit? Just to err..separate later?

Domestic News:

2. Lets leave such issues of international importance to and move to more domestic problems (not related to wives)

-- If keeping an empty mortein liquidator on, gives us the psychological comfort of protection, why doesnt the same apply to the mosquitos (who should feel threatened by the glowing light and the imminent death by suffocation

-- If Manmohan singh is "fighting fit" as they claim in TV, does that mean his fitness was tested at home, while he was recuperating? (Domestic violence, they say!)

Business News:

3. If there is a recession and hence no one spends, then there should be more money left unused. Does more money equate to recession? Should it not be "possession"?

4. Raju brothers ask "If assets can't be inflated and liabilities can't be left out, then why at all it "balance" sheet"? Will CLB come up with a balancing act by instructing the Rajus to stop the creativity at the "trial" balance sheets?

Sports news:

5. Vijay Mallya pays 111 Mn US Dollars for Bangalore team. Call it team spirit?

Been a while!

I've been wanting to write for long and as I sift through my blog posts, I realize I have written 5 posts that are in draft mode..only because they are quite serious and heavy that they dont fit into this blog..

Anyway, here are a few things that I learnt in the past 2 months that have helped me redeem my prized irreverance that I lost in the last 2 years

--> I had always wondered how some leaders are neither charismatic nor visionery and still attain a place that they dont deserve. I have never made bones about hiding my displeasure to work for these leaders and now they fail spectacularly and how! Lesson: If they are too bad to be great, THEY ARE BAD!

--> I always loathe Indian IT services business model which is built on commoditized value propositions driven by not so scalable resource quality. Its like selling Eu De Toilette while the rest of the tech world is about selling cologne..And now, with one depression and a tainted company, look at how the industry is collapsing..customers and deals have evaporated. There is NO LOYALTY OR CHINA WALL. Observation: Till we create our google or sun microsystems, lets call ourselves SWEAT SHOPS because we are that!

--> The grunt workers at various levels in these organizations are just that..grunt workers and it comes more evident now than ever..They dont know what IT is beyond the 5 names. Many of them think if its not for these 5 companies, there are no jobs. Truely, there arent , because the redundant roles they occupied are not needed in the non-services landscape. I see senior delivery heads willing to go as project managers..which I see as a much expected correction in the right direction.

--> Contacts are another hyped concept- I know him, I s.. up to him and so I feel safe. With a commoditized skillset and lack of awareness about the industry, contacts are the only hope..But one cannot be more bankcrupt for ideas after decades of work...Thats what the services industry does to 90% of the workforce...

Amit Pradesh

From the day my mother decided that its essential to learn hindi to survive in this country, I took a vow to

1. Hate Hindi, that intruded into my play time (Thanks to Sriram for introducing the word "Indhi" to me, which aptly defines what we Tams feel for that language)

2. Never work in the lands of amits and aroras

Well, I grew up to realize that the language is different and the people are different and since then have given up on vow 1.

Vow 2 still seems relevant. Though I dont work in Amit Pradesh, an ample dose of Hindi movies (thanks to my imported wife from wheat land make me believe that Amit Pradesh is indeed unliveable for Ashwin "proudly surnamed" ramasamy.

For one I cannot imagine sharing my space in an apartment with "Indhi Appa" like this. In a country where wearing anything more than a thin piece of aerated lingerie feels suffocatingly humid, wearing multi-layered silk jippa would mean that "Indhi Appa" is a perpetual sweat machine!

Amit Pradesh also hasnt graduated to more human 2.0 chewing habits like Orbit, happy dent, Center Fresh and still prefer this .

Also in question is the sheer affordability of a south indian to buy attrociously expensive and insanely outdated suites that are norm in any social gathering in A.Pradesh ( A social gathering is where clean shaven and red dyed men stand in a circle, while couples wearing locally stitched suites and embroided sarees dance with the desi ballroom moves, in the center of a massive dance hall with two curved unnecessarily oranated staircases with lion faced side rails)

What beats the theory of probability, is how the ghutka chewing amit123 never spills even a nano-litre of the ghutka-saliva concoction on his multi-layered silk suite. Amazing indeed, but not for me ever!

If I can still survive such a social gathering, I will die by the torture of "laximkant-Pyarelal" type "tududuuun taaak tududuuun taak" melodies where the heroines and heros kasamusamatically drool over each other, till the director fears an "A" certificate and cuts the song in favor of a sentimental sob scene. In some cases, the movie does get an "A", if th heroine says

"Mai tumharay bachhe ki maa ban-nay waali hoon! " after the song.

So coming back, its this kind of music and its modern version (read: jab we met) that I loathe and cannot not take migrane head ache, in favor of such musical evenings.

While I can keep going on and on to write an anthology of anti-amit pradesh poems, let me stop with one last grip.

Why the heck they call everyone "baba"?

The other day a Ms. eighteen something amita in NDTV is standing next to a man who mysteriously doesnt get electrocuted when touching a live wire..She goes "Aayiye (chee), hum milte hien "Electric Baba" sae"

Aree Baba...Enaala mudiyala baba!